adhd medication might be the reason my mental health is tanking but i can't afford to stop taking it to check, even for a day

the past few years have been miserable. depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, probably a couple of manic episodes , maybe delusions?? Its been bad. but then there were also normal periods so who knows.

either way, a part of me is wondering whether it's the ADHD medication (I'm on methylphenidate) and I'm MASSIVELY stressed about it, partly because at this point I have kind of integrated these experiences into my identity and if they were never ME but drug induced I'm gonna have an existential crisis.

I really need to figure this out , but I cannot afford to not take my medication. I lost SO much time from 2024-2026 because my brain just wasn't working that I cannot waste any more time by not being on medication. I'm 26 and still in grad school I need to gruadate asap. I already feel behind and like a worthless loser. I also used to binge eat and now I finally stopped and lost weight and Im worried ill gain weight if i stop taking my meds. idk what to do. I don't feel like anything I achieved while on medication counts bc i had to be medicated to manage. and im scared of everything because what happens if someone takes it away from me? its all over then, and i have no control over it. i cant relax or feel safe ever , it feels like my future is precarious and everything I do to secure it is meaningless. what if I stop taking my medication and gain weight and my boyfriend stops loving me? he always says I'm so pretty and it makes me panic every time because that's also temporary and not really me. I'm such a loser man why couldn't I be normal