I am still haunted by a past mistake

This was back when I didn't know any better. I was fostering a cat noon na binigay ng friend ko that he can't keep anymore. Then may stray cat na nanganak at nag-iwan ng dalawang litter ng kittens sa bahay. At first, I was okay with it, binabalik balikan sila ng mama cat nila every now and then para magpadede.

My cat was playing with the kittens noon and later got sick ng feline corona virus. Sabi ng vet nakuha nya daw yung disease maybe from interacting with the stray cats sa labas ng bahay. So hinuli ko yung kittens at pinakawalan sa labas ng subdivision, and I feel like I killed them by doing so.

Nasa isip ko lang noon na I had to remove them from our property para hindi magkalat ng virus and that they might survive hunting food sa labas. They are around 3 or 4 months old na siguro and can eat wet food na kasi binibigyan ko sila ng food when they were still here.

3 years later, hindi pa din ako pinapatahimik ng konsensya ko with what I did back then. Gusto kong isipin na sana nakasurvive sila, pero realistically speaking, they have low chances of survival kasi nilayo ko sila sa mama cat nila.

When I realized my mistake, naging remorseful ako sa actions na ginawa ko noon. I learned my lesson, but it was already too late. By coincidence naman, may dalawang stray cats din ang napadpad sa bahay (on different occasions, the first one appeared ng January and second around August last year) and I did my best to nurse them back to health. Both had trouble breathing dahil sa sipon. The second one had severe malnutrition pa kasi he was injured. He had flesh that came out from an open wound na we had to pay for a surgery to fix.

Both rescues are with me now and kept indoors na living their best lives. Healthy and far from danger at gutom sa labas. I feel like yung dalawang rescues ko are even siblings kasi they have the same color and attitude, only months apart lang ng pagpadpad nila dito sa bahay.

It still crushes me to look back at the time na I dumped the poor kittens out. Even if I learned my lesson already and thinking I'm now doing the right thing, binabalikan pa din ako ng konsensya ko na I could've done better noon. If I can only tell them I'm sorry that I was stupid.

I am trying to atone for it na whenever I see strays outside, naghahanap ako ng convenience store to buy and feed them food whenever possible. When I see posts sa socmed ng strays in need ng help, I donate whatever spare I have. And while I am happy to do these, I feel like it's also partly to make myself feel less guilty, but whatever I do, nothing makes it any better. I still feel bad everytime and maybe that's guilt I'm carrying for the rest of my life.