Today was so hard

So today was the first time I heard from him since last week. He sounds so slow and sad. I asked him how he was doing and he said he is okay and doing a bit better. I said that’s good. Baby step you know. He said his medication they got him on is making his speech and thoughts a little slow so he was trying to focus. We did not talk about us. We talked about a few things (lose ends) we need to take care of. I did ask for him to meet me. He said he would. And asked when do I want to do that I told him it was up to him. So whenever he is ready. He said he had to run it by his counselor.

I don’t know if he sounds that way because he is talking to me. Or not but it feels so wrong. All of this feels so awful. I can’t tell him how I feel. I can’t tell him I miss him. I can’t speak on anything about US. I cried for an hour after the call. It’s all so overwhelming.

Back story: my boyfriend fell into a depressive manic state after not being able to get his meds from the Va for 3 months. Became suicidal. Told me he felt numb and that he feels nothing for no one except for his youngest son when he says he wants him to see him play football. And he discarded me a little over two weeks ago.

Why am I such a trigger for him if he feels nothing. Why is it so difficult to communicated about our relationship if he doesn’t feel anything. Why am I the only one tip toeing If he is so numb. I don’t have a lot of faith right now that he will come back to the relationship. I’m slowly losing hope….