Oscillator and holding

Hello everyone. My baby boy was born at 25+2 and weighed 495 grams. I waited 2 weeks to hold him, on the JET vent and although it took teamwork to get him on me I got to hold him a few times. Then he was extubated on NIPPV and I held him a few times and then got sick and missed 5 days during which he was intubated again and put on conventional vent. By the time I had come back to the NICU he was placed on oscillator because he was retaining co2. The doctor today asked me when the last time I held him was, and I told him a couple weeks. He said he thinks it’s important to hold him and he thinks I should do it. I’m
Scared. I’m scared because last time I help him I got sick the next day and I was terrified that I gave it to him. I’m nervous because the RT just told me yesterday because of how hard and rigid the oscillator tubes are it would be very difficult to hold. The doctor and the RT and nurse today told me it’s doable but I can’t help but to think he’s safer not being held until he moves off this vent. He’s getting close to getting there and likely will be doing dart the next week or so so I will likely be able to hold in maximum 2 weeks and I feel like I should wait. I just feel like they were pushing me to hold today, doctor nurse and the RT today but head RT yesterday told me not a good idea. I’m afraid to go in there tomorrow and be bombarded with holding him again and I feel like a horrible mother, like they are looking at me like I don’t want to hold my baby but that’s not the case. I want to hold him more than anything I just don’t think it’s safe. He’s 32+5 today and last few days he’s been doing much better and going down on his settings and I don’t want to set him back. I don’t know what to do. I touch him, hold his hands, hand hug him, but I don’t feel safe holding for multiple reasons.

Really just need advise 😭