My mom was murdered. Should I go to the trial?

Hi folks, I don't really know where to begin. I'm still processing it, so bear with me.

I, 23F found out not that long ago that my mom was murdered.
A few friends of her noticed she wasn't responding but my mom was the kind of person who you don't really want to bug, so nobody thought anything was wrong of her not talking for an extended period of time. Usually, if she talked to you, she wanted something. As well, my mom and I were estranged. I cut contact with her when I was 18 as she was a rather severely abusive person. So, at the time, I thought that was right. For reference, she broke my nose when I was 6 years old.

So after awhile one of my mom's friends noticed she didn't show up for work and another week went by without hearing from her. My mom's friend somehow got ahold of my dad, who then asked me if I talked to my mom at all recently. I, of course, said "Hell no." But, something in my gut knew something was wrong. Keep in mind this was somewhere around June when her friend contacted me. Back in March I got odd feelings, lots of questions of 'Where is my mom'? and that I kept wanting to talk to her. Yet, my mom's job takes her abroad quite often so I had a decent idea where she could be. At the time I mentioned to my therapist about these weird questions, feelings, and constantly seeing rivers in my nightmares. It didn't stop for a long time, but, my therapist suggested was I missing my mom, or the idea of my mom? So, I let it go.

The second my mom's friend told me was missing, I freaked out and called my mom-figure stating I need to go look at the rivers. She tried to calm me down saying don't jump to conclusions but somehow, I knew. I immediately booked a flight to the state my mom lived in and had to run around like a chicken with its head cut off figuring out my mom's trails.

I'm going to spare a lot of the information for the sake of privacy, including how and other details that I was able to put together for the detectives. But quickly I found out what happened. The man who did it -- and, that he disposed of her body in a river.

Somehow, I knew though. I can't explain it, I'm still suffering from that very day. Guilt follows me I should've talked to my mom, that things could be different and I could've saved her. They just found her body after a year of her missing and now the trial is coming up. I still have yet to write the victim's impact statement. I don't even know how. I was still a broke college student trying to figure out my life then being hit with my mom's passing -- and her missing remains up until a few weeks ago. Knowing that she was found in mud as a skeleton with the work done from her surgery being the only identifier. I don't know.

Now, the date is official for the trial. It's rather soon, there's a lot to unpack. Do I go, suffer the defence attorney's disparaging my mom's name? How do I even write the victim's impact statement? Do I stay here to protect my sanity but forever hold the guilt of not showing up for my mom?

I just want my mom back. I miss her so much.