help getting over my feelings for an ex

Ok. I've been trying to deal with this quietly for a very long time and clearly, it isnt working. idk what to do, chat.

I,(27, trans f) dated a woman(also 27, trans f) a few years ago. we were in a triad polycule(typical, i know) for... a few months. we moved in, it was clear i was dealing with too much internalized transphobia to be dating rly anyone, let alone another trans person. we broke up, but lived together for the remainder of our lease. we were on friendly terms by the end of it, or so i thought.

fast forward 2.5 fucking years.... she wont talk to me. i get why. our relationship was ok, but i put pressure on her to move in w me. my lease was ending and i was scared and had nowhere to go. tragic story, i sucked for it, i know. im aware she might never talk to me again, and rly i just wish the best for her. she inspired a lot of change and growth in me, and i became a much better person even just following her example. im in a much better place, and ive dated since then, with months inbetween given relationships. ive had time to grieve, ive had PLENTY of time to move on.

so why cant i?!? we didnt even date a full 6 months but honestly i think i was lowkey in love with her the full year we lived together. and maybe i still am idk. I've been like this since i was a teenager, when i rly get head over heels for a girl, it takes me years to get over it, and its usually only by finding someone i admire more than the last obsession.

we havent talked, but ive messaged her a couple of times. usually on a turn of a new year, just to let her know im alive and doing ok and i always wish her the best and hope that she'll talk to me again, even just as a friend, but thats only happened once and she ghosted as soon as i asked if shed wanna meet for coffee.

ive taken time. ive accepted she wont talk to me maybe ever again. and in the mean time ive been working on myself, learning to love myself, building up my hobbies and career and even trying to get back to dating more recently(unsuccessfully lol) but every time i see her it ruins my day. its only been on dating apps or similar platforms, but i know she frequents kink parties and queer events and shes in the local community and theres events i want to go to and she might be there. i think its silly to not go just because i might see her, but also if i did itd probably make me really bummed and i know the answer is to maybe try to have fun anyway but im looking for an answer or advice on how to deal with these emotions reasonably bc i cant keep having this cycle happen with every blonde i date. it really gets so bad that ill have dreams with the girl, even years after we've last seen eachother irl.

this has happened with cis women as well in the past, and unfortunately isnt a topic i was able to broach with a therapist while i had one...

also i tend to run into her or think or dream of her ffs whenever im not really interested in anyone. its like it all goes back to her. idk maybe there isnt any advice to give other than Therapy Time but it helps to just vent somewhere about it.