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‼️Trigger Warning: Miscarriage ‼️  
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My partner and I decided to start trying for our 2nd/ last baby. Of course the idea of having our last makes me think of our first, and I mean the very first. The one no one besides us, and now you, know about. 

We got pregnant unintentionally early in our relationship. We had been together just over a year and we were not in a situation that was ideal for a baby. My husband, then boyfriend, was miserable with his job and had just quit. We were living in a small one bedroom apartment with big dogs. I was driving an hour commute to work twice a day. It was not ideal and we were scared but we started to get our shit together. We looked at houses, my husband got a better job, we were doing the damn thing. Then I had a miscarriage. We had not told any of our friends or family, we were woefully unprepared and wanted to get our ducks in a line before we shared. We grieved alone but we decided to stick to the plan. My husband took classes upon classes to rise up the ranks at his job. We got a house, we renovated, we did everything we said we would. 

Months after we lost the first pregnancy, we sat in the bare bones of our new kitchen and we talked about trying again. We tried for months, not long compared to others but the disappointment came anyways. Each negative made me feel even less deserving. Why could my body not do what it was meant to do? Eventually, on a random morning, I took a pregnancy test as it had become a monthly routine. I knew the test would say negative as all the others had. I was getting dressed while waiting for the test to finish when a specific song came on. A song that I listened to on repeat during that first pregnancy while we were scrambling to get our shit together. A song I listened to throughout that first pregnancy when I needed to feel brave. A song I listened to when I needed to remember that i have always wanted a family no matter how untimely. By some divine intervention or just pure luck, the song had not played since I lost the first pregnancy so when my shuffled playlist decided on this song at that exact moment, I instantly knew how the test would read. My vision was blurred with tears and my chest burnt from holding in gasping breaths as I rushed to the test, and there it was: a positive.

A few weeks later, I started bleed. The blood was so similar to my first miscarriage. I was terrified and I cried until I eventually shut down. I called my dr and they brought me in for an ultrasound. My feet were in the stirrups, my heart was being crusted by a bolder, my throat felt as if it was being licked by flames, but my eyes remained dry. I held tightly to my cold exterior for any chance to hold back the tears while I waited for the ultrasound tech to tell me what I already knew to be true. But then I heard that heartbeat, proud and strong. I looked at the screen to see our baby for the first time, alive and well. Burning tears rushed out along with all of the air from my lungs. The ultrasound tech excused herself and when I had composed myself, I left the room to find her and her colleagues waiting to hug me. It is still one of my favorite memories. Those women hugged me like they knew every mourning thought I started that appointment with. Their kindness meant the world to me. 

Months later, that strong heartbeat turned into a beautiful baby who turned into my smart and empathetic toddler. I still think about that first positive test from our surprise pregnancy. As we start trying for the next positive for what could be the last time, I can’t help but think about that first time. Here is to hoping this journey won’t be as scary. 

For dinner I made my grandmothers fresh tuna sandwich mix. I’m out of bread so I ate it out of the bowl with a spoon. No one in my house likes this but me so I get it all to myself >:) 

Here is to Hoping