Im depressed again

Hi please I need help. Every day I'm living thinking I'm going to kill myself. I'm not kidding I keep on repeating to myself "I'm gonna kill myself on saturday/monday/at 3pm/whatever" and it never happens

I always joke about wanting to die and I just feel like I have to "prove" that I'm actually suicidal. I tried to od twice but it didn't do anything except accelerating my heartbeats and giving me stupid headaches or whatever I just want to experience what it feels like to almost die I want to be in pain I want to bleed

I want to cry man but I can't I cried too much already. I need help I just want to be happy so I can make others feel happy. I feel like a bad person. I've been sleeping too much lately and I'm so tired of everything. Please, someone help me. I pray and pray and God and my family and friends and interests are the things keeping me alive right now

I want to cry so bad I just want to be at peace for once. I want to live the childhood I never had outside the internet. That's all I want, I want to feel like a little kid but I need to have an adult mind

Please someone help me I'm ill I need help I'm going to kill myaelf I'm in panic