Dinner ft. My angel food cake that i dropped and single handedly almost finished alone bc im in my feels

Let me preface this with, I have grown to be comfortable with my lack of friends/family. It was a hard adjustment from my previous life but I slowly found more comfort in it.

Ive become very independent over the last 4 years. 

I left my abusive, alcoholic ex husband and got sober.  Left the entire friend group I had because they were all tied to my ex or were drug users and or alcoholics which made maintaining my sobriety difficult. I tried to reconcile with my parents after years of not speaking to them mainly due to them hating my ex husband. I forgot how toxic they also were though, so I quickly distanced myself from them. Last I heard from them was on my son's second birthday last year and they just told me never to show my face or contact them again. 

They didnt believe my CPTSD was real or caused my very real, extremely frightening symptoms. I wont go into the toxicity of my family as it'd be an entire other posts worth of nonsense. Just know, they are toxic and no good to myself, my spouse or my kids. 

So now, its just myself, my amazing spouse, and our now three kids. I dont really have a friend group anymore. The few friendships ive tried over the last few years have just been very toxic and i find no joy in trying anymore. It takes too much energy away from my kids. I have a few distant friends on Facebook, but we dont speak much and arent very present in each other's lives.

So, i just had my last child 10 days ago. Birth was extremely scary, I hemorrhaged really bad, babys heartrate dropped below 50 a few times. It was so  beyond scary realizing I had almost died. It really fucked me up thinking, man, I could have died and you know what, I have no one that would have really been saddened or bothered by it besides my spouse and kids. 

Sure I have a few people on Facebook that are "friends" but we never really talk. No one really checks in, maybe theyd be saddened by my death, but not heartbroken ya know. My parents probably couldn't care less. They dont even know I had another child and would probably just think negatively about me having another kid versus actually being sad i died. 

Fast forward to today, my husband left for work for the weekend, wont be back until monday night. Halfway through today i started bleeding VERY heavily. The heavy bleeding lasted 5 hours, and I was just about ready to plan going to the emergency room due to not being able to slow it down. It really scared me thinking holy shit what if i bleed too much or pass out and the kids are just... here screaming with mom slowly dying next to them.

I dont have family to contact for help. No friends right.. i am sort of close with my neighbors. It has always felt like a nice community, like you need help i got you. Everyone leans on each other.  You need wood, food, medicine,  let me stop what im doing and go to the store or give you my medicine or whatevrr it is they need.  Sure take some of my wood everyday for half a month to stay warm, all is good im glad i could help. Let me feed you, no biggie. We NEVER ask for help unless we are in dire need of help. My van is broke down rn , so i have no transportation until later this month. 

So today i asked my neighbor hey, my spouse isnt home and im worried my bleeding wont stop. The obgyn told me go to the emergency room soon if it doesnt stop will you please take me? And I'm the response I got was such a brushed off like well why would i do that, just call an ambulance. (If I did, id go with my 2 yesr old and newborn, and have no ride home...) but it really hurt because I kind of considered us "friends" because we are always helping each other, hes always hanging out and smoking with my spouse...

And thats when it hit me like a semi truck. I really just dont have anybody that sincerely cares about myself, my kids or spouse. We are always the first to help people, every fucking time. Give money, food ect when we may be struggling ourselves.... literally my spouse owns a business and helped his two best friends out who are in financial crisis rn, fronted them several thousands of dollars because they work with him. They got the money and next day quit... leaving my spouse alone on this giant job. So really its when the going gets tough and we need actual help- we are on my own. 

This realization hurt so bad. It hurts so much to be burned and shrugged off so easily after doing so much to take care of others. We take so much pride and happiness in being able to help support people and help them out because I know what it feels like to have no one.  But im at the point where I dont want to help people anymore, because when it comes down to it these people couldn't care less about me. Why go out of my way and take from my family to help you when you couldn't give a fuck about me when i needed help most.

Like dude, I could be having a serious medical emergency and you dont give a fuck enough to help... 

This kind of loneliness hurts.... 

\*\*\*my bleeding slowed down enough for me to not have to go in THANK GOD! But my midwife and obgyn said I was right on the cusp of needing medical intervention. Im so grateful everything is OK and I am safe- but I just wish I had people that cared enough to be happy im OK too.

Realizing I dont have people who care makes me feel hollow.