[carcinophobia trigger warning] I have severe health anxiety and it just isn’t getting better. Don’t know what to do anymore

I just need to vent about this. 22f Last month I had blood in my poo. It sent me spiraling and I have not been okay since because I think I have the big C.

I really tried many things to get back to my old self but I keep regressing. It has generated horrible compulsions where I try to prove to myself that I’m not sick. Every morning, I get up and weigh myself to keep track of unexpected weight loss.

When my stomach discomfort got better, I got a little happier. But then I’d rapidly shift between normal/constipation/diarrhea with mucus and I began to think, “if it’s not colon C then it must be rectal” I also have become very aware of sensations near my butt where I then began to think anal C. My neck felt weird and I thought, “this must be what a metastasis feels like”

I see the GI next week and I’m nervous about what she’ll say to me. I have experienced nothing but obsessive thoughts and compulsions that I don’t even want to feed into but do anyway. My nerves are so bad that I had an anxiety poo again and scared myself.

Everyone tells me to get my anxiety under control and my stomach should return to normal but I literally cannot do that. On top of that, I am poor. I can’t get any special procedures that everyone says will put my mind at ease. I can’t even get a therapist.

I wish none of this ever happened to me. The good things are, I’m not fatigued and my weight is stable. If I go outside and relax then I barely think about my symptoms. All my digestive issues began after my anxiety which I guess points to anxiety being the main culprit, not the big C. But I’ll actually never know.