Update

I know I always panic on here but these withdrawals this time were just causing the worst anxiety, shaking, sweating, I couldn’t think straight, the panic was starting all over again. I was doing so good all year but decided to fuck it up with one week.. this time it was something I couldn’t manage this on my own

I just had to take myself to the ER.. they called me in, my anxiety is hitting even worse cause I hate hospitals. first nurse calls me straight up asks me what’s your plan. me: this time I’m gonna stop.

her: you sure about that.

me: yes, I had been sober most of this year and it just acted out in one week and couldn’t stop

her: you’re going to start a program, there’s no excuse about it

later they called me in the room, and put me in a bed after some blood work. give me an IV and phenbobarbital. this nurse was sweet and explained the process to me. told me what would happen

i statted to cry and felt the shame flying all over.

asked me if I wanted to speak to a social worker, and this time I said yes

i couldn’t focus but came the questions, but the biggest one was why this time, do you need help

I just can’t do this alone, I was handling it on my own before and thought I could it again. but I need the professional help, someone to hold me accountable and just in general

i get the bag completed, I finally feel my body calming down my heart is calming down I can think a little clearly and just some calmness

not completely but something compared to before

i I was able to leave and just reflect on how stupid I had been..

this isn’t a fix it all but for the moment. I had to let my family know what’s going on for once.. tell a friend and really now work towards full sobriety. before I was like only a month or lets try for a year but I know realize I’m not capable of drinking anymore. I plan on beginning a program this upcoming week and attending aa meetings..

im now handling the withdrawals and each day has been another step, and one symptom at least getting a little easier.

but I know it’s gonna be work, but I don’t want to waste my chances anymore.. and lose everything I have.