I Cheated On my Ex, and Now my Current GF

F29 , gf and I, M32 and have been dating for 6+ years
I was previously engaged with a child, began resenting my ex-fiance, I am certain she stayed with me for reasons that were not love because all I can remember is feeling coldness from her. I was 21, dumb, spiraling and manic, skinny, newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder after some drug-induced psychosis and trying to manage my teenage years getting to me early (also hereditary). I got her pregnant after 2 years, and were engaged for another 4 or so IIRC (never married though). We “coparent” now (she drops her off to me monthly and I always help with expenses and CS). My mother always disliked her, but thought she was a great mother, because she loved her granddaughter. I lost track of any long-shot dreams and the potential degree paths overtime, started working retail immediately and getting myself together.

I eventually sabotaged the relationship with my ex fiance by cheating (vaginal sex). We separated after I met a girl on tinder (who told me she had been raped recently afterwards via text and to get tested, then ghosted me)— ok, karma. I got tested and immediately went on PEP anyways, was fine after a follow-up.

Things calmed down, I was still newly separated from my ex and she mentioned me moving on quickly later as she discovered I found someone else, but basically there was a new girl was starting to work at my job — I thought she was incredibly beautiful. I would get protein shakes from down the street and one day asked her if she wanted one, I brought her one. I did that three more times, asked for her instagram. Things flew from there. She encouraged me to get a better job, I did, and I brought her with me twice at both companies.

My mother loved her, and mentioned it was time to have a boy. My mother passed away last year sadly, but my current gf always wanted children, especially for her parents who have always wanted her to have one. I always played along with talks of a family, marriage, it wasn’t an impossible reality for me, I just didn’t have the same energy — I already had a kid and gave someone a ring (although only because she had gotten pregnant) but something felt like I should just try to do it right this time. I’m still really unsure about having more children. We have now been dating longer than my ex-fiancé and I did. We both even got better jobs (I left the field we were in but she stayed and got a better position elsewhere), and we’re thinking about mortgage plans… and the ring was being mentioned consistently as it should be.

My current gf told me stories about how awful her ex was. At first I thought to myself all exes are awful, but he genuinely was a piece of shit. I thought some of the things he did were gross and abusive, cheating thrown in as well, I can only remember mentions of hookers and parlor shops, not sure about anyone else that wasn’t a paid exchange. It didn’t matter because I became a POS too.

I went to a massage parlor last year twice, I am not trying to minimize what I did by saying this and am just providing context, but I only received a BJ w/ a condom despite being offered more. This happened every time, I suspect because although I had an idea of cost I would just give them a sufficient amount of money that I assume is more than or around the cost for something more. I just didn’t want to take the risk with vaginal sex again with a stranger.

I… then did this again this year twice while my girlfriend was off training for a new job. I have no excuses for it, it was planned, I always hesitated and felt nervous about it, which I should for many obvious reasons, but regardless I acted on it. I will also mention that she has found me flirting with other women in messages. But I have never done a physical act until last year.

She was not disappointed, she wasn’t angry, she was shocked. Which came as a huge surprise to me because I had always tempered her with my nonsense, she’s thrown things as she should and yelled, I’m not completely innocent either. But we never held anything against each other, and we poured everything into each other — anything I could ever provide I gave to her, not to say she is not able to be independent, but I am a huge gift giver and I have splurged on her many times and enjoy it. She is an amazing person, an amazing cook, and a responsible woman, loyal to a fault. I asked her if she’d like me to leave for a while and stay elsewhere and she accepted the offer. We’ve been communicating and trying to figure things out, the back and forth is chaos and sometimes it’s calm, sometimes it’s cold. I went in for a full STD & STI panel as a precaution and everything came back negative

I ruined it. She’s giving me a chance to come back and I don’t think I can do it to her. I love her so much but she doesn’t deserve someone like me, she deserves so much better. I can’t tell if it would be selfish for me to mend things. My emotions have been everywhere as they should be after everything I’ve done. I have no one else and I was doing so well. We were happy and had cats.

I just wish I had done things differently, and although I wont blindly take advice I thought I should take a chance and share here to see what pops out, perhaps it’ll be helpful for us to read later, it was certainly helpful to write it down just now for me. Thanks for anyone willing to provide any advice, and apologies for any ramblings, grammatical errors or repetition — tbh it is incredibly late and I am exhausted, but once in a blue moon I really have trouble sleeping, as I’m sure we all do from time to time.

As a final note, my mental health is managed, I’ve worked 10+ years to find a regiment that works for me, and I’m aware of when things are bad and it’s time to check myself in. I haven’t had an episode since my ex-fiance found out about her pregnancy.

TLDR:
- cheated on my ex of 6 years
- separated
- cheated on my gf of 6+ years via 4 parlor visits (BJs w/ condom)
- we want to try to fix it, or at least she’s giving me a chance to but I feel I don’t deserve her.