Childhood trauma still affecting my confidence to this day

My parents had a daughter before me who passed away when she was 18, after nearly one year they had me, and gave me the same name as her. Throughout my childhood I’ve been compared to her, been told how she was prettier, more attractive, had a better voice, better body, better everything by my aunts, grandmother and mother. I’ve been frequently told to my face that I’ll never be able to replace her, and I honestly don’t even want to replace her. Giving me the same name and having the expectations that I’ll be a carbon copy of her has really fucked my self confidence. When I entered my teens, I started developing a personality of my own, people didn’t let me be, they we’re literally telling a 13 year old me to do the same haircut as my sister, wear the same clothes, and what not. It really sucks man almost everyday hearing someone say that your elder sister, who you never even met was so much better than you. I feel worthless.

TW (SA)

I’ve also been sexually assaulted when I was 10 years old, and get nightmares about it to this day, I can’t seem to let go and haven’t opened up about it with my family because I just don’t have the guts to say it in a household where such matters are such a taboo. And now, I can’t get myself to easily trust any man, it’s really hard for me to get in a relationship because of my trauma and my lack of self confidence.

Fell for a guy in my late teens, he didn’t feel the same way. Instead of rejecting me in a way where I still somewhat feel like there’s nothing wrong with me, he ended up reminding me how I’m useless and he’d never go for someone like me, said things like his life would be better without me in it, made jokes about me at parties and what not.

In the last 2 years, I’ve learnt to give it back to people who compare me to my elder sister, have learnt to carry myself with much more confidence. If you’d see me, you’d think I’m really secure but deep down I’ve never felt like I’m enough and always have this weird pain in my stomach when I have to talk to new people. I really want to get over it.