I'm transphobic, but I'm trans

I've known I was trans ever since I was barely a toddler, having a "feminine childhood" forced on me. I can't wait for the moment I'm able to transition and have enough money so that I can start my life off for real and go stealth, get some muscle in and forget. Living like this is killing me, I can't stand myself and looking like a femboy 24/7 is fucking unbearable especially when I open my phone to see the 100th post fetishizing trans men with some puppyboy femboy BULLshit, and this is coming from a guy who is pretty feminine himself, I just hate being labeled as something commonly fetishized when I'm just trying my best to pass. I'm the nicest, most understanding person ever but I just can't help feeling terribly transphobic when it comes to myself and other trans guys specifically, the thought makes me vomit but I'm genuinely just embarrased and ashamed for being trans. Over the years i accumulated some pretty hurtful, and kind of extremist ideas on the topic of being trans to cope with my identity being as disgusting as it is to me. I'm a transmed, I have a slight dislike for microlabels, I'm very harsh when it comes to transmasc people, and I don't believe trans people should be part of the lgbtq community (yes, i know the historical reason behind us being in it, before you say anything). I'm ashamed of all of those things, I want to change. On top of all of this is the fact that im gay and asexual, I feel like a weird alien subhuman for it. Liking anyone, especially a cis guy (I'd never be with a trans guy as well which just adds to how terrible this all sounds I know) feels like I'm some weird creature preying on a normal, pure being.