I'm nothing, never will be and want to die

Long text warning

I was always scared of new people and felt alone. I got into my first relationship at 22 with a girl who was the same. It got intense quickly, although I knew from the start that I didn't really want her as a long term partner. But she drew me in with her affection, we couldn't stop sleeping with each other and we distracted each other from our loneliness. But then it got intense. First there was a pregnancy scare which turned her into a quivering mess. We had the conversation early on that if something happens, we would definitely not have it. I was super adamant about not having unprotected sex in the beginning but she kind of had fun pushing that boundary until I caved in after some time (she was on the pill obviously). She wasn't pregnant but I had to comfort her for a long weekend constantly and then this pattern of her running into crisis and me consoling her was set in stone. I just lived in that relationship, I had some friends but after university, we were basically always together. I was constantly worried about her for some reason or another, at times it felt like she'd do something to herself. More and more I learned that doing things for myself was me being selfish and hurting her. I just wanted out but was in a place where it felt like she was all I had. It got worse and worse, Covid came and we were completely isolated. It dragged for six years until she cheated after burning both of us during the end of her studies. Then we lived together in a codependent hell for two more years because she didn't find a job. I felt like the bad guy for always having resented her and in my sick mind stealing her life. But I also turned into an awful human. I got on dating apps for superficial validation, she went insane, looking through my phone, accusing me of the worst thing for matching with women slightly younger than us (among others), saying I can't be doing that bad if I think about a life after her, calling me at work to start fights.

I bought it. I was the evil guy in my eyes. I was to blame for everything and for the fact that she just stayed at home all day not really working on trying to get out of this situation by finding a job or something to do for was while. Two years completely burned until she was gone. Then I turned 30. Almost one year of blaming myself and deteriorating after. I felt like an awful abusive monster. My behavior was shitty, but it wasn't as bad as I felt it was.

When I met my new girlfriend, I was doing incredibly bad. My contract at the university had just ended, my PhD thesis was not finished but it was kind of close. She was perfect. Insanely pretty, smart, funny, social and the kindest person I have ever met. It destroyed me. Seeing how she looked at me like I'm the greatest guy in the world, feeling how she genuinely cared for me, saw my underlying suffering and tried to get me to open up about it. She was a couple of years younger but had lived so much more. Dated a lot, had some relationships, had lived abroad for a year, many friends and genuinely happy. I felt worthless for having lived such a sad, isolated life. I felt like she'd judge me if she knew the whole truth about my relationship. I destroyed myself. I lost her by quickly disappearing. I went into a self destructive spiral without sleep. I started therapy, got on medication and saw her again twice. The chemistry was still there. I told her the whole story the first time, while I was still mid breakdown. More details than here, absolutely painting myself in the worst light possible. She cried and told me it's not my fault. The second time we met again I was a bit more stable. She cried some time while hanging out but tried to hide and she cried when it was time for me to go because she had made up her mind that we couldn't start again.

I'm almost 32. I wasted this whole year until now pretending therapy helps, the medication is right and going to my old office procrastinating my thesis. Now I'm on new medication. Three weeks in, I feel horrible but that happens. I don't have hope to ever feel better though. I missed everything. I missed relationships, dating, friendships, meeting new people while it's easy, living abroad while it's easy to combine with studying. I have done nothing and now I'm a sad old man. I will forever feel worthless for having been with this woman in my prime and experiencing nothing but rotting away with her. Dating is dead at my age where I'm at. It all feels too late anyway. My career is ruined, my experience left me a traumatized, socially inadequate nothing. Just last night I went out with an old friend and saw interacting with the other people there, that I am just a shell, there is nothing in me.

When she cheated I was 28. I had a job that allowed me to work however I want, paid well, and should have ended with a PhD in a sought after field. I ruined everything.