It is cause I am scared

TW: Burning(?), just a bit of sexual stuff mentioned And Compulsions

Ahhh, I never really shared this, but I guess I can do it here.

I am sure I have some undiagnosed compulsions going on, and hurting myself just makes everything feel safer.

I never do it to get as hurt as possible, even though it can be tempting sometimes, just enough to leave a mark and a certain number of times.

Anyway, the first time I did it, I guess it made me feel like doing it would give me a good day. So well, I kept doing it, but then I had a really bad day, and it made me think it was because I was doing it too much. I stopped for a while.

Then, I couldn't really get my different compulsions that have to do with counting and phrases right in school, and it made me scared that my parents would find out I was trans or something. So well, now it was a punishment or a debt payer. I couldn't do my compulsions right, so I burned to make up for it. The number, I won't go into detail on how I get it because it is complicated.

Anyway, It was also paired with me not being allowed to sleep until a specific hour or being unallowed to masturbate. I don't know why, but that stuff was harder than leaving marks on my skin. Luckily, I don't do those 2 things anymore.

I don't know, but I guess at one point, I was convinced that people around me start getting really sick or dying if I don't hurt myself. I managed to stop for a few months or even a year. Maybe I was being dramatic. But then, people around me started getting sick or dying. And well, it was too much of a coincidence. Now, I am scared to stop. If I skip a day, I double the number. So, the baseline would be 60, and then if I miss a day, it would be 120, and then so on.

I know it sounds absurd, but I am too scared to risk it or anything and I wish I could explain it without sounding confusing. People also keep assuming I am cutting even when I say I am not. It Would be confusing to explain pressing red hot metal against my skin. There was a time when I thought it looked pretty, but well, they look kinda scary now.