I wish my mom was more understanding of my struggle in gaining independence

9/11/26

Around 3:30pm mom took me to the bank, so I could replace my card and get my log in. This bank was a secondary bank, so I had neglected it for a couple years. I had been using this other bank this whole time, but decided to transfer, so today was about getting banking information at the bank i am transferring to. They had automatically sent a new card, but I guess my mom brought in the mail, and lost it and missed the deadline to activate it.

When we got to the bank (the new one), I went in and then walked out because I realized I didn’t know how to navigate. I forgot the process up until the staff took you to the table to help you, I didn’t know about standing in line and waiting to get called up to the window. I haven’t stepped in a bank in years, my other bank i am transferring from that I been using, it’s hours away so anything I needed i dealt with by calling.

So I walked out to asked my mom, and I didn’t understand her explaining and I was confused. So I asked if she could come in and help me, but she was tired and had a headache so she said no, and if I really couldn’t do it without her help for me to get back into the car. So I got back in the car. She took a few minutes, but then went “I’m going to nap, and wait for you to go take care of it.” I was also taking a nap, i was also sleepy.

What felt like 10-15 minutes later, I hear the sound iPhones make when starting to record something. I open my eyes, and see her iPhone screen in selfie mode recording me. My heart is pounding, I feel nauseous, like I am going to pass out, and confused. I was mute and frozen . I needed to collect myself, and I didn’t want to get emotional but I felt it creeping up.

My mom offered to go in with me, but I reached a point where I was more anxious + wanted to wait a few minutes. If I went inside again I wound’ve walked out from overstimulation. My mom took that as me letting my anxiety win, when in reality I needed to rebuild the confidence i had when I first walked in, before navigation confusion got me.

My mom said we weren’t leaving until I went inside, and they close at 5pm and this was around 3:30-3:40pm. So, I “need to stop being stubborn + refusing to go inside.” I am 25 and have grey strands of hair already, so she also added “you need to adult, already having some grays and needing your mom with you for this stuff”, and I forget what she said but it was basically like, it shouldn’t happen. She was also bringing up maybe I need to be conserved.

She eventually took my phone + purse, and went inside the bank. (She left door on my side open.) Then she came back to the car without my stuff, and said “if you don’t want your things stolen, I put them inside on their chairs in the lobby.” So duh!! I went inside, and she came with me. I grabbed my purse and phone and sat down, and my mom said to watch how everyone was else was doing it. She kept trying to get me to engage and watch the line, but I told her “I am waiting for my heart rate to slow” and she implied that she wanted me to push through that. I had my hand in my chest trying to get myself to get in line, but then a staff member asks me if I needed help, and my mom says “yes.” Then I walked out, or else I’d cry all emotional in front of the lady (staff member).

I went out front and just stood there, hand on chest, all anxious. My mom walks out, and she’s upset at me for not adulting. She has health issues, and said my “refusal” to grow up is killing her. That she’s going to pass out and need an ambulance and she “cannot do this anymore” , that she feels my anxiety x10 . That if I was going to act like a kid, I don’t need a phone (she pays it btw.) It was 100 degrees out, and she wanted me inside the bank where it’s cooler, since I am not used to hot weather enough, since I’m not out in sun much.

She gave me the choice again, to go inside the bank or go in the car and lose phone. She starts walking and I start also, and stand next to the passenger door. By then it’s about 4:10pm. She disappointed said “really?”, or something similar. Then she says “if you get in the car I am taking you to the mental hospital for being a threat to yourself, because of you standing in the heat.”

More context, she’s leaving for a week starting on Sunday, and she wanted me to have my card activated so I can spend money if needed and not have to rely on siblings and them having to wait for me to pay them back(I owed my sister 15 dollars, by now I paid it though), so she added “and you’ll be there for 10 days, starting today. Because I cannot trust you’ll be safe.” I do have a history of trying to harm myself but the last time was a year ago. And before that it had been YEARS.

Going to the shelter was also an option, that she gave me . So we got in the car and she started driving, and was like “wow , I cannot believe you’re choosing not to be an adult. Your life is so easy!’ And you are choosing for hardship. It’s like you want to suffer.” Then eventually she pulls over in a different parking lot, and tells me to make a list of things I want, one bag worth because the shelter won’t allow more. That my mom can get after she drops me off, and she didn’t want me to make the bag at home because she didn’t want me to think I was living there. And I am silent, then eventually she gives me the out and says “you can either go to the shelter or go to the bank.” It was about 45 minutes until 5pm, and I chose the bank.

So when we do get there, i eventually force myself through my sick feelings and actually they closed at 5:30pm we learned so I had time. And I got it done, and my mom did come in around 4:45pm, ehhh maybe memory on what time it was was before was wrong, because it was 100% around 4:45pm when she came in, to help me.

We went back to the car around 5:10pm or so 🤷🏻‍♀️ and on the way to get my mom some food, I am still shut down, and my mom says “aren’t you proud of yourself from overcoming your anxiety and getting it done!!” And I told her “I didn’t overcome anything, I was forced.” Oh and pause real quickly, sometime before going back to the bank, my mom also JUST HAD to bring up her own struggle, and she was like “you want to know why it took until my 30’s to not feel anxious paying bills? “ and I said no, she said “it’s because my own parents made it seem like this big ordeal since they didn’t pay bills causing us to be homeless for awhile, I thought it was worse than it was.” Or maybe that was also on the way to food.

Anyways, we do make in the drive through line for Panera bread, and she gets me and my sister at home something without us asking. And on the way home, I tell her “you didn’t have to be mean”. I have a job coach, who I meet with once a week, and she’s helped me through my anxiety through validation and giving me emotional support, like she would’ve probably had us walk in together and watch how it’s done, or explained a step by step on how to navigate it. Been encouraging. And I told my mom, “she helps me in a way I can grow from, and she is never acting mean to me like this.” And my mom says “it’s because it’s her job, she gets to call out when she cannot do all that for you.” And I tell my mom “no, we have talked and she’s told me her opinions about things and how she talks to her kids when they have anxiety, it’s never like this.” Then my mom was like “well I am glad for you!!! And I am hoping this life coach you’ll eventually get can help you as well. I cannot give that to you, I am done!.” Because we had my annual meeting for the disability program i am in, we had the meeting on Thursday September 10, and agreed on me getting a life coach eventually. I will be taught skills like more cooking, driving, etc. idk when it will start though. I have autism, dyspraxia, learning disability, processing disorder. Also, cptsd from growing up with an abusive stepdad ages 6-15. Anxiety , social anxiety, and depression. Things are good now I am back at home, and my mom helped me set up the transfer from my old bank to this one, but I really wish she had more patience. And less shame around me not being independent yet. Since I am 25 still relying on her. And this isn’t the first time in recent years, that she’s acted like this around my anxiety struggles.