I hate every relationship ive been in

I 27 M and I have always been a hopeless romantic and i always live like romance anime and stories and I always thought that id get into a very deep trusting relationship and they would be my wife for the rest of my life and we woukd be happily ever after.

I was very avoident of hooking up in high-school and I have some Hella good idk if id say fumbles if I was just not interested in casual sex I wanted to save my first for the rest of my life . Had like 2 girlfriends in middle school but we never even kissed I dont think one lasted more them a few weeks lol you know middle school relationship.

In senior year of high school near the end this one girl started talking to me lets call her BA . And she apparently was throung hint that I somehow just complete missed apparently everyone around me made sure to tell me all the time. We graduate and I start going to school and BA adds me on insta or soemthing like a year later and we start talking and hanging out and we seem to want the same thing and we get very comfortable fast you would say we seemed like the dream couple doing cute thing posting planning doing things communication I thought was great we date for a few months due to some crazy things thag happned she ende uo moving in with me and my parents and we started paying rent . Its was fun and I thought it was going perfect and after a few months living together and in those moment we ended uo losing our virginity to each other in my mind she was the woman of my dream right so we were practically married and I proposed to her and we made plans on moving out.

Relationship has been going for 2 years and going to get married soon then covid happens and we decided to wait to buy a house we saved up for and the wedding. At first thing are cool hangout with my best friend everyday that also happens to be my fiance. My best friend at the time worked with me and a new guy joins like tha last hire before covid made everyone stop hiring and he is out with my best friend to work. And naturally we start hanging out my best friend We will call BN and the the new guy which i will call NG really click and are into alot of the same stuff . And a few months pass and BN brakes up with his girlfriend in a pretty bad break up . I guess now that BN is single him and NG start hanging out more and more .

A bit later BA tells me she need to talk to me . Seems serious so im like oh shit okay never seen her like this. She tells me that the reason BN and his girlfriend broke up is because he forced him self on her . She shoes me the text her and BN ex had as they were friend . Im like wtf my best friend is like that im so sick . Apparently BA and BN's ex meet up and talk and BA comes and tell me " the truth" and basically tells me we need to have an intervention and block him support his ex and i genuinely find SA so disgusting and to this point BA has given me no reason not to trust her and I wanted someone in my relationship I could trust like that . she tells me all the time BN was wired with girls that i was like omg he did that i didnt even notice. BN text me " hey we need to talk i have to tell you something. I show BA and she tells me just to block him and sends everyone in our group chat a message about what BN did to his ex and why we need to kick him out of the group and that BN ex was pressing charges we should support her. This is important later down the line

Fast forward a some time later and BA loses her job and so she home alot and start getting the unemployed up all night sleep all day schedual. I notice tho that she start to become more and more secretive but I was trying my best not to be a clingy controlling fiancé. She said thing like she made new friends and one time she hung out with this one girl so I thought that's the end of that shes just talking with her girlfriend and BA didnt have many friends so I was happy for her .

One night she out of no where says she going out and im like oh okay yeah thays fine and I asked if she was going with her new friend in out talking that question was buried and forgotten. She leaves and I stay home kmay some video games or something . 2 am...3am okay I mean ive stayed out this late before with my boys...5am...8am...ahe shows up idk wahg time i send her text a few time asking her if she okay if she need me to pick her up or something let me know I end up passing out and wake up with her walking into the room and sleeping in bed with me I dont know what time it was maybe 10 am or 11 am when she came back. I liked smelling her hair when we sleep so I start cuddling and am glad she ms back and safe. I smell very clearly mans perfume in her hair and my heart sinks . I go to back to sleep trying to give her the benefit of the doubt they were out lroboly at a club or something or maybe there where ther friends at the party. Surely im overreacting. The feeling doesn't go away and I don't know what to do or confront her she goes out like that 2 more times like that but started coming in dropping her stuff down and going tk take a shower. Okay I get that i cant get into my bed with out being clean. On time trying to sleep I cant amd I check her phone.

She apparently met this guy and they hookup the first night and the other times and the text she sent him I dont think she ever said anything like that to me ever. I put her phone down and go to sleep it was too much. The next time she goes out I tell her oh your gonna go see MG and she looks at me real fast and is like yeah. O start asking her why and start crying and spilling my guts out and she had just an ick face and just explains he on the way she doesn't have time and leaves . Im devastated. The next morning she come back and says shes sorry and somehow convunces me im in the wrong that I overreacted and shes sorry made a mistake. Somehow through the course of a few hours she convinces me that it was a mistake and that she lied about how much she liked it with the other in the text.

We stay together but it eats me from the inside slowly. Ive always been a very confident person and this competly shattered me started binge eating drinking and at taking drugs the stress and self destructive behaviors started making me lose work and eventually my job. I needed one more certification test to finish my trade program and I stopped going and got kicked out of school in the mean while she made "every effort" to rebuild the trust. I felt so shitth and started seaking validation on like rate me on here or other things like thag I got "friend" making apps and I just hated my life so much at that point and it killed me . This dragged on for 3 years untill one day BA tells me shes leaving. Not just to her own place but across the country with a guy's shes been talking to and now are bf and gf. Thats shes leaving in like 5 days too. I tried to not show emotion beacsue I knew I couldn't win her back how im so shitty and fat and ugly ny gf who I tried my hardest to be the best fiancé for her cheated on me and just helped her pack and I even gave her money when she left. I dropped her off at the airport and on the drive back I cried so hard I had to stop on the side of the high way cuz I couldn't see

I started drinking and drugs every opportunity I had id go out every wekedn and couldnt hold a job. I started doing very self destructive risky sexual behavior as in my mind It made me feel wanted and filled the void where my self esteem used to be. I would then go get shitfaced and balck out so I could sleep regretting what id done. I hated my self and I felt like high-school me wouldve also I was what I didnt want tk be I never wanted to drink like this I didnt want tk be dependent on drugs just to cope

A year passed and I get a message from BA she said her relationship broke down and thay she regrets leaving that her ex kicked her out and shes flying back to our city . At this point even this amount of attention made me feel wanted and I rolled like a trained dog picked her up when she landed took he to her sisters, we started hanging out and sleeping with each other we started hanging out every friday and watch TV and order pizza for a few weeks it felt like when me and BA got together. I help her find a job gave her money to pay for stuff I gave her almost 2k once cuz ahe was said her ex was gonna throw her stuff away amd she didnt have money to ship it and she was gonna lose all her stuff. Me amd BA were collectors of video games stuff so I felt bad for her amd I thought stupidly she made a mistake and her coming back means she needs me and loves me. One time she tell me to pick her uo froma. Wierd addres never been there amd she doesn't have a car and it was far from where she lived . Okay wierd... a few days later im texting BA and make plans for our Friday night she says okay but can we do it a bit later then usually, okay no problem. She end up ghosting me and ignoring my text the next morning. Next time I see her we are talking and then she says yeah well since I came back ive been in " my how phase" after this i start spiraling again and I saw a post saying the oh don't text someone adn see how fat you stop being friend I guess Ina test to show you thay your the only one asking amd effort keep the relationship alive. She never text me again other then once about a year later asking for money.

A year passd and start talking with this girl at a club lets call her VL I meet and she seemed so cool know so much good music like taking drugs too and the more we talked it seemd like we both wanted the same a gokd relationship and we bkth had trauma in our oast relationship and we didnt want anything toxic

At this point i felt happy again I brought uo is maybe not doing drug and stop drinking as much and trying for us to turn our life around . I finish my trade test get certified get a job across country making enough for me to provide for her . I tell her and she says she want to go with me and at this point she was my reason for why life started turning for me and I wasnt gonna leave them behind and we move out together . I was still so honey moaned that I found someone who was hurt in a bad way from thier ex and that we never wanted anything like that in our lives . Problems started a few weeks before our set move out day. She started comalring me to her exs saying how they did this better ir they woukdve paid for this or done this And at this point I had already ignored so many read flags shed go to the bathroom with the clubs drug dealer or to hia car shed say she was cleaning her room and thays hey she didn't want to hang out only for her to let it slip she went to the club with the feidn she met there or when we would got they be like " omg last friday was so much fun im glad you did come" when she said she was tired and sleeping early thing like that . My self esteem was so low that I felt like if I lost her I was the one who woukd be down and thay id never find anyone ad good as her. It got to a point whe if I called her out or question her she would flip tf out and even hit me alot of times .

We move out and get to our place where my new job is at. This job was very demanding and I worked alot of OT like 70 hour weeks. I slowly open uo to her as she tell me bad things thay happned to her and she says I need to do the same. I started drinking at work not sleeping wanting to do drugs bevause of how bad everything was going. She woukd fight with me all night and id get like 6 hours of sleep during the whole work week. I stopped eating someday and hated waking intk our apartment.

VL calls me one day after work Vl is pregnant and she doesn't belive in abortion. Okay her body her choice im not gonna abandon my child either . I suggest couple therapy and we start going , I open uo to her at therapy even more and share some ver vulnerable situations I was a viticm to that im not gonna say here. My baby is born and for the first time in a long time i fel genuinely happy seeing my daughter. She the only thing keeping me.going at this point LV started doing less and less and stopped wanting to go to therapy and started fight with me more and more and caring for our daughter les and less. I took the night shift beacsue I told her I wanted her to have a full rest so she can have energy for the baby during im at work. She to this day has only gotten up 3 time during the night even after I told her I need help . I'd come home to find my daughter with a dirty diaper same one I out on her clean before id go to work. She started spending all our money slowly maxed my credit cards drained our savings. I tried to beposttive and told her I can work more hours and we are a team we can do this copeing hard af at that point.

I get called to HR at work one day and get fired for me being late for work from my sleep deprivation. This si when it broke down even more the stress just Tucker her over and she sued everything I opened up about in therapy about me made fun of me and told me my grandma, to woman who raise me while my parents worked to barley keep a roof over our heads my hero. She said thay she woukd hate me and used things thay I was really vulnerable about to say thays why she would hate me. That was the last night I cried for a while. I felt bad and apologized to her and help my daughter crying apologizing that she was unlucky enough to have me as a father . I really had the gun in my mouth that night . Slef esteem and will to live and all time low . We had to move back to my home town and she left my daughter in my care . Some of her last words were how she had been talking the her ex for a long time how his dick was bigger and how much better he was that yhat was true love not us

My daughter saved me maybe me need to be there for my daughter stemmed from a bad minds set of i dont want my daughter to ever feel not loved. I was isolated from my parents as i stopped talking with them my friends too as VL slowly started getting me to see my Friends as bad people and me blindly trusting them just listened. My daughetr was the only bridge thay let me start feeling close to my aren't when we were both with her and I started having the same relationship I did with my parents and friends and family I got a okay job with a schedule that keys me spemd time with my daughter i started going to therapy and in a wierd stroke of fate I meet BN and at first I was like I dont want ro have anyone in my life who assukr there partner in my life by the metal connection ssid wait talk to him. Turns out BN ex lied and even bragged to Hai sister about how " i got everyone to trun on him and everyone knows he's a rpist" and then he mentions yeah remebr how i wanted to tell you some thing . Turns out BA got with me in the first place to make , wait for it to make NG jealous and want to date her . NG one time while hanging out with BN tells him about this crazy chick that has been harassing him for years . Turne out the whole time we were together BA was telling NG how much she loved him and other messed uo things. Also it turns out somehow BA knew thea BN knew and was gonna tell me . BA and BNs ex teamed up to ruin BN reputation and to get everyone to block him. And in turn stop me from talking to him.

Although therapy was helping at one point I had a forbidden fruit moment and the more I leaned about all the manipulation and disgust things thay happned more and more thing started popping uo into my head that i didnt realize and it kinda made me.start feeling abd and over thing alot of the past. one time I got super drunk and texted BA I guess wanting closure thay i know Inow wasnt gonna help anyways only for her just just open uo on me and start saying I used her abuse her thay OK a terrible person im playing with her and that i need help . Blocked .

Focused on work and talking with friends family.

Therapy started helping again and im more calm and accepting of what happened

I wish I had a love life like in the romance animes I wish my daughter had a mother thats want to see her

I dont want to but I think im just gonna accept never dating.

Don't be a push over , if your SO does something you don't like speak dont bury it dont make you self small fir the sake of "peace" . I wish I could talk to my grandma again she always knew what to say. Worst part is I decided to stay in these relationships I dont have anyone other then my self to blame

I hope other people's romance aren't this bad