I FEEL DROWNED.

okay so I am not gonna go in deep detail cuz the story itself is never ending. but I'll try to narrate it as short as possible and will delete sooner or later.
So I Started dating in middle school (he was 2 grades older). First relationship. (4-5 yrs ago)

first month of dating. everything great and cool. I deleted every other boy from my socials just to make sure he doesn't feel "insecurity" or "jeolousy" but kept talking to girls himself. Multiple girls had crushes on him, late-night chats, sus posts and even romantic reels. this whole scenario made me feel like I wasn't good enough and started listening to "love" or yk those "obsession" subliminals (DON'T CALL ME LOSER BUT YES I AM A LOSER)

One time he secretly messaged my "so called long distance bsf" about sending chocolates to the two other girls from her class, used disappearing chat settings. there was this other girl from her circle (god bless her she's the best), she told me about this whole shitt and asked if I knew about this AND I WAS LIKE HELL NAH WTF IS GOING ON?

i confronted them both and at first and they tried to hide it from me (obviously). like that "bsf" literally said "she (referring to me) wasn't to know". after this whole repeated shit again and again and I Had enough of the emotional abuse. he was literally trying to manipulate my memory by saying "I had told you about this whole situation, you forgot and now you're creating this whole big fight"

He lied about who added whom. When I found out and tried to leave, he begged, cried, thre@tened s*icid3, and even sent bl00dy self-h@rm snaps. His friends and sister also pressured me to stay becuz of his vulnerable state (had a big accident)

AND THIS IS NOT EVEN THE END
I had stopped listening to the "love subliminals" or "obsession subliminals" long ago in this mess. and now started listening to healing subliminals and mainly self focused subs.

I became cold and distant, grades crashed, still stayed for years thinking I was “his karma.” There was also a 2.5-year stalking situation.

Finally broke up on the day of my last exam (feb 2025). He came back in after like 7-8 months due to some situation rose (WE HAD TO CONFRONT) with a white rose and my favourite chocolates. We reconciled.

Since then: no more girls on his socials, no more s*icid3 thre@ts, he’s more serious about career. But the jealousy and control are still there. Recently exploded because I talked to some guys at my old school and made me prove my innocence with snaps. like I dont really have minded if he would have asked me calmly but the way he exploded and I the way I had to save snaps from other ppl just to show him that I wasn't really talking with that one guy he dislikes made me furious. And When I get angry he goes into long “no one is leaving, you’re my forever, I love you more than anyone” mode.
but overall he's doing much better as a person before but like... I just dont know how to tell this feeling... I can't describe.
All I want is to say that I've been thinking of manifesting him to cheat on me cuz that's the only way I can breakup with him. should I? I feel overwhelmed by the guilt. its not like he is thre@tening me again or anything like the shits he did in past but whenever I try to leave he always goes "I love you, no one is leaving, you're my forever" and list goes on.

if you read everything; tysm 🌷

Also this is like my 1st time telling this whole shitt to some real ppl rather than AI lol :) (still nervous as I am thinking of posting this )