What are we doing in a crisis for help? How bad does it have to get? TW: suicidal ideation? vague indirect mention

When life is too hard and meltdowns are so frequent and make it feel like I'm not cabable of anything and I'm so overwhelmed and nobody knows what to do with me and I thought I'd pulled out all the stops to save my life my getting diagnosed and medicated and regularly speaking with a phycologist specialised in AuDHD and taking the time off to recover and take all pressure off for a few months. But now that I'm trying to get back to life everything has gone back to feeling impossible and when I'm in crisis I feel like theres no point or way forward. Nobody knows how to help me and I don't know what more I can do for myself and I'm so scared that I wont make it and I won't ever be capable again. But when I calm down again I want so bad to try, and feel like it might be possible. But that doesnt change the fact that I'm contantly overwhelmed and next time something is hard or tips me over the edge I won't be able to handle it again.

----Everything from here is context----

I've got a job lined up that starts in a week and is 2 days drive away. I want so bad to go. But I'm so scared. Scared I'll decide not to go the next time I meltdown, scared I'll meltdown on the way there or at the new job. Scared that I'll go into survival mode instead of enjoy my life.

I have a concert to see tomorrow in a town 4.5 hours drive away. I'm meant to see my doctor to assess my meds while I'm there. I've got this afternoon plus one day next week left to get stuff sorted to leave. I'm worried I won't even make it to that. If I dont go to the concert I'll hate myself and it will make going to the job feel even more impossible.

I used to be capable of living the life I'm trying to resume, albiet with some struggles, but since I had a mental breakdown overseas and have had to come back home to my mum to recover and get treated, I havent regained the level of (mostly) regulated that I used to be.

I only have my mother as a support person and she feels helpless because theres nothing she can do for me. I dont see my psyc again till after I'm meant to have already started the job.

----And from here is a rambling backstory. Cant guarentee it makes sense-----

I had an emotional breakdown while overseas months ago in late april and early may. I was having meltdowns regularly and became unable to to almost anything. I realised I had to seek diagnosis for answers and get professional help to recover from all that and a way forward with life. I booked the assesments and tried to get back things in the meantime, but I realised that I couldnt resume my usual life. I moved back to my mums place while I figured everything out. I got diagnosed. I got medication. I took the pressure off myself for a few months. I've been talking to a phycologist every few weeks who specialised in ADHD and autism. I took a low pressure part time job in town so I could afford to stay home longer and take my time to get back on my feet. I was going fine while I didnt have to worry about anything. I gave myself a rough time I wanted to get back to life. The job was going fine, but they knew I was temporary so that cut my hours to nothing for the last few weeks so I really had to stick to my deadline. Finally, when it got urgent enough, I managed to apply for jobs in the town I want to go to next. I was struggling a bit to feel passionate and hopefull about it, but I knew it was time and between no longer having an income to suppliment and my historically strained relationship with my mum. She has been really patient and supportive of me this time but I cant expect it to last forever. Tention had started to rise again. So when real life started to be something I had to do again, I started to overthink again way more, stress myself out or just obsess over uncontrolable or unknowable or unnessary details. Get more easily frustrated and overstimulated. But I was doing the steps, making progress towards returning to life. I got a job. I started packing my stuff. But meltdowns started popping up again and getting more intense. Im days away from leaving, and now I've had two or three super intense ones over my hair. To the point where my mum has no idea what to do. Shes barely able to handle me she feels so bad that she cant do anything. Im sure seeing me like that is awful and shes helpless to do anything. I get mean and snappy with her too so its not sustainable for our relationship. I have no friends in my life that I am able to rely on for support. I had to end the friendship I had with my ex because he could not offer me the same support and priority in the hardest time of my life that I had offered him over the past few years when he was going thru his own hell. As well as other reasons. I'm still close with his mum as shes been in my life since childhood and supported me thru many things thru the years. But I still cannot actually tell her in detail about anything. Plus, shes in hospital right now. I feel so helpless during and around a meltdown. Im so overwhelmed in general. I'm not sure if I can go to the new town 2 days drive away. I dont know if I'm ready or capable of resuming my life. I know how this cycle goes for me. I get more easily triggered and more intense meltdowns. Ive been stuck for days in a campground on the side of the road before, right before I had to come home. I want so badly to go and to try, but I'm so scared I'll fail and have to come back home again. Or that I'll just go into survival mode and do what I have to but nothing more and be miserable. I feel so much shame that I am not able to handle things. And I cant figure out what more I could have done. I should have put more effort into getting better. Got more doctors or a social worker on board. Tried harder to do the things that are good for me like excersice and hobbies.