Dinner at midnight was vodka smoothie, pinapple, and miss vickies salt and vinegar because I made myself sick and couldn’t keep down my actual dinner

About an hour ago I was having a blast with some friends, chatting, playing some games where I started to tell the story of when I ended up in the hospital (the story itself is embarrassing and quite funny but that’s besides the point).

As I’m telling the story my friends started to pipe in on things about my own story, whom I haven’t told before. To my surprise they had heard the story from someone else. That someone else was my ex. 

My ex and I got along quite well when we were together and we never fought, and he was incredibly supportive of me. Truthfully I was overly reliant on him emotionally and there was a quite unhealthy dynamic. He was quite depressed but kept a strong exterior, and I was… am, dealing with bpd. He was always the person people would go to for support, he seemed unbreakable. 

As I’m telling my story, and my friends pipe in, I ask who told them my story before. Dead silence for a few seconds. The part I had left out about that story (on purpose), was what happened before I was sent to the hospital. I had been calling my boyfriend in tears when, I had decided to massively overdose on purpose. He was far away unable to do anything, and had ended up calling our mutual friend in a panic. (I didn’t know he called our friend until tonight). He thought I may have just died, and he had to witness it over the phone. I had lived but our relationship wasn’t the same after. 

I think I had crossed a line and we couldn’t go back after that. Things felt increasingly distant and it seemed to just fizzle out sadly. Jumping back to tonight, I had to hear about how deeply that had fucked him up. I never realized how badly I screwed up until now. He was one of the most caring and supportive people I knew, he was my source of stability and to this day I think that still scarred him. 

I feel disgusted with myself. My whole life I seem to torment everyone around me whether it’s intentional or not. I realize as I write this out just how awful I seem, and I apologize for your second hand disgust. I’m starting to realize how textbook I am, and how I traumatize people and never look back. My own father had to go to therapy because of me and I’ve never even had the guts to apologize. Anyway, it was just such a huge shocker to hear that tonight, I took for granted how caring someone was and now I’m spending the night feeling guilty. Thank you for reading. 

Just learned I seriously messed up my ex from a mutual friend almost a year later. I feel terrible because he was so sweet