Dinner: chocolate espresso cake I made for my 30th birthday 

We are old friends and I know who you used to be. A decade of ups and downs and finally you confide in me. The one thing you haven’t been able to say out loud or admit to anyone, including yourself. 

You’re struggling and have no one to talk to, no one understands and your heart hurts, years of sadness and self doubt have made it heavy. Another burden to bear, another invisible scar to wear. 

You tell me his name, you tell me your story. A fairytale whirlwind romance for a princess you didn’t consider yourself to be. You tell me how you loved him and how he cheated on you and gave you herpes. 

You tell me that a decade has passed but the tears still flow like it was yesterday. You remind me of who you used to be: happier, out going, more confident and less lonely. You remind me of how you used to feel: smart, confident, aspirational, beautiful. 

Therapy comes and goes, family and friends are supportive and well meaning, but after so long the horse is already dead and you don’t want people to worry, you don’t want to make a scene, you don’t want to harp, you don’t want to be so effected  anymore and yet, here you are. You can’t see clearly, and worse—you don’t see yourself the same way anymore and you haven’t for a really really long time. You tell me your trust in others is broken but worse—your trust in yourself is gone.

You know you haven’t changed, you know you look the same but you don’t look at yourself the same. You haven’t felt pretty in a really long time, you haven’t felt especially sexual or good in a really long time. You have a lot of anxiety around sex and relationships now and have internalized a lot of societal stigmas, even though you are so gracious, understanding and non judge-mental toward everyone but yourself. You’re working on it in therapy but are starting to feel afraid you will always feel this way. This is not how you envisioned your life. This is not how you envisioned yourself. You don’t feel good and cannot shake the worthlessness that plagues your mind and soul. 

You know all the statistics and commonality of it all. You know you did nothing wrong and are not at fault. You know you’re just a person trying to survive in the world and the world is unfair and cruel. You know all these things and yet, here you are. You don’t want to bring this trauma into your 30s, it has already stolen your 20s and yet, here you are. 

There is nothing for me to say, there is nothing I can do. There are no words that will truly make things better or change anything. But I’m here for you, you are loved, you are worthy—even and especially—when it doesn’t feel like it. I give you a hug and don’t let go. You are worthy of whatever you desire in life, you are smart and capable. You are kind. You are important. You are not dirty and you are not defined by having herpes. You are also not alone, because I am you. You are me. We are here together and I love you so very very much

Kind regards,

cluelessintheclouds 

Can I give myself grace, by giving it to you?