I’m scared to be assessed (please read)

Im 17F and am already struggling with the parental and school surveys/ questionnaires. I had to do the parental survey myself as my mum genuinely just has a short attention span (although she did help me as much as she could) and my dad wasn’t really around for my childhood. He’d go to work early in the morning until around 3 or 4 ish and then he’d go straight to the pub, come home at around midnight and repeat. He’s been quite present these last years, he still drink but not as often and I’m proud of him. He’s noticed some of my ‘quirks’ and did help me with the survey but I didn’t feel comfortable with him completing it by himself. And my high school won’t communicate with us so we haven’t been able to do the teachers survey yet.

But this isn’t why I’m scared.

I’m scared to be assessed as it’s already been a hard process as is but I’m also scared about what I may be diagnosed with. Of course I’m being assessed for autism but as many people know it isn’t just a diagnosis of autism and then call it a day, there are levels.

I can mask but I wouldn’t call myself high functioning. I know myself that level 1 autism means low support needs, not none. But it is always treated as such. Ive been doing some research about the levels and I feel like I’m in-between level 1 and 2, but I’m not a professional.

During the research I’ve done I’ve seen a lot of things stating that level 1 autistics are high masking so it’s harder to detect, are more flexible with routines and can have back and forth conversations. While level 2s have limited communication, daily tasks are harder to complete and routines are a lot less flexible and cause distress and meltdowns.

I feel that in this broad description I fit more into Level 2 autism as I do believe I have limited communication. I love to talk, I love to sing, hell I even talk to myself when theres something on TV, but I only do that when I’m genuinely interested in the show/ film. But then when I’m overwhelmed or just in a ‘bad mood’ I hate talking. I want to be left alone, dont look at me, dont speak to me, dont come near me until I say it’s okay. It is really easy in my house for me to do this and then bounce back because everyone understand and respects this. Until my cousins come around. Then they push my buttons until I lash out and then I’d get in trouble for telling them in a very harsh tone to leave me alone when I’m visibly angry and overwhelmed.

I’m kind of flexible with my routines I guess. As in I’ll make a routine, follow it for about a week and then scrap it because I’ve asked too much of myself. I’ve always struggled with hygiene and used to get bullied because of this. I can cook and clean but it takes a while for me to actual do it. As in I will only cook for myself when I’m pale and shaking from not eating in a while (I’m a picky eater too so most times I have to cook for myself as it shouldn’t all fall on my mum) and I will only clean when I absolutely have to.

I get overwhelmed and overstimulated quite easily, I have stress balls and fidget toys for when I do get overwhelmed but more often than not, they don’t actually help. Bright lights and strong smells physically hurt me. I get migraines because of them which causes discomfort and I cannot do much on days I have migraines. And loud noises scare me. I hate fireworks but have to deal with them every year because unfortunately my grandad passed away on bonfire night and that’s how we celebrate his life. I also have been told I have great eye contact with people, often told I give too much of it. But this is due to a trauma response of my dad grabbing my face and forcing me to look at him as he screamed at me for dropping a cup on the floor and spilling juice all over the carpet. I was around 3 years old and I apparently escalated the situation by not giving him eye contact WHICH I NEVER DID ANYWAY UNTIL THAT. I have confronted him about it though but he has no recollection of that night because he was drunk.

I would just appreciate if anyone whos possibly been through the same thing in believing they are in-between levels 1 and 2 could tell me their experience around this and possibly even share your opinions on what level this sounds like!

I would like to say I have no idea wether this is worded right and I really don’t wish to offend anyone so if I have please tell me what ive said to offend you and I’ll deal with it right away as that is not my wish!