My experience with child on child SA

17f I grew up in a pretty violent house my mum is a textbook narcissist and basically tormented me for my entire childhood in anyway . Physical, mental , and basically neglected me and when she did do things like get food she would hold these basic parenting duties above my head .

I have an older brother who is around 18 months older than me .
when I was 6 and this lasted until I was about 8 my brother would play these weird games with me , despite the fact that I hate this guy I can’t blame it on him he didn’t know any better because he was only so young when he did this to me . I wonder where he was learning these things from , If I had to guess it might have been stuff on YouTube but I really don’t know

I do think it has had a really big impact on me , I started watching adult material out of curiosity when i was 8 or 9 and I still feel disgusted by myself because from a moral standpoint I completely disagree with how that stuff is made .
Also being a woman who thinks about sex just as much as a man does and probably even more than the average guy .

I can’t blame it on anyone because he was just a kid . He didn’t do anything malicious to me but I do think that my innocence was taken away and it led to me looking at things that I shouldn’t have been looking at when I was a child .
I almost feel like a reverse incel like an incel but a girl . Like this never manifested into me sleeping around , I pretty much avoid men in my day to day life and when someone does flirt with me I just brush it off even when I am interested because I’m afraid of looking like a creep because if their is anything that society hates it’s a “slut”

I have always has really low self esteem for other reasons and now that I know that I was a kid who didn’t know any better when I did those things ,

From when it started when I was 6 until I was like 15 I would always think to myself when I was around other girls in school “nobody in this room knows what I did with my own brother and if they did they would never ever speak to me again” and I just always felt like I was an absolutely disgusting pervert .