Advice or something

I want to start this by saying I'm sorry for any typos. I'm writing this on an mp3 player that has a small screen and also happens to have google lol.

My thoughts are scrambled so bear with me please. Anyway, I'm 16F and I live in the united states. This story is gonna start with my mom so I can try to give you some insight into why she is the way she is. My mom was 20 when I was born, and my dad was 43. He met her when she was 14, and he groomed her. There's not really another way to put it. She didn't want me, but she grew up in an "abortion is bad" household.

When I was 8, I told my parents I tried to kill myself to get out of trouble (I believe I may be a pathological liar, which is another reason I hate myself). I was put in a mental hospital, and it really didn't do much. When I was released, I was completely out of control. I was running away, threatening to hurt myself, and I was just overall destructive. At nine, I was put in a new mental hospital where I was diagnosed with DDMD (Disruptive disregulation mood disorder, since I was too young to be diagnosed with bipolar.) And ADHD. I have really bad trauma from the hospital visits, as well as the times I was in the er waiting for a room to open at the hospitals. That's just a bit about my background as far as mental hospitals go.

When I was 13, I was sexually assaulted. I told my mom, and she said it was my fault. I wasn't comforted or asked anything about it. She just said it was my fault and she moved on.

I think my biggest problems right now are that I kind of hate my mom sometimes, and that I was moved across the whole country, away from my best friends.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my mom. But I don't really like her. She yells at me over little things (always has), talks shit about me (both behind my back and to my face), and never seems go want to be around me. She rarely says she loves me, and never really hugs me.

A couple of things my mom has said to me:

• I wish I had aborted you (a classic)

• If I were your friends parents, I wouldn't let them be friends with you. (10/10 for creativity. That stung though.)

• You smile weird (she's said this a lot. I stopped smiling in photos a long time ago)

• you have a big head (she's said this one a lot too. I hate my head now.)

• You eat too much (I'm an athlete; I eat a perfectly acceptable amount. Now I hate my body too.)

I'm also very much a privileged white kid, which makes if hard to be taken seriously. I play an expensive sport, always have food on the table, and live in a nice house. So my life can't be that hard, can it? 🙃

I'm also probably autistic, which makes it hard to make new friends, or find people who like me. I'm very much the 'weird' kid and always a target, even though in fairly normal. Just a bit more of a yapper, lol.

I'm also a hopeless romantic, and I really want a relationship, because I want someone to care about me and treat me the way I do the people I love. The problem with that lies with the previous paragraph. I don't believe anyone could genuinely love me. I'm pretty, but not conventionally attractive. I'm skinny, but not 'popular' skinny since I have a wide rib cage and more muscle mass (My dad was a body builder).

I've also been moved across the country (from va to nv), And I'm incredibly lonely and depressed.

I also fell in love with a boy I met online who lives really far (yes I confirmed its a real teenage boy). But he doesn't like me back, and I've spent MONTHS holding on to the hope that he liked me back.

Anyway, I have a learning disability that makes it hard to put my thoughts down on paper, so its hard to truly convey how lonely, depressed, hopeless, and tired I feel. Its hard to convey just how much I hate myself, and just how hard it is to exist day to day.

I want to slit my wrists, but I don't know how painful it is. I did research, and I think that'll be my method, but I want to know if anyone has better ideas.

If anyone can convince me to keep going, that would be greatly appreciated, but I think I've made up my mind.