I feel like a poser just for wanting to learn my culture

I think I need to get this out of my head after keeping it for quite long enough.

Back then, I still remember being all so fascinated with Javanese mythology, I read extensively about it. Turns out, it's super interesting, lots of symbolisms and exploration of concepts such as contrast of concepts and their view on nature. And that reminds me...

I'm of Javanese descent, but since my grandparents are naturalized Jakartans, my parents are essentially Jakartans with little to no ties to Javanese culture. Seeing my circle, who are so in touch of their own cultures, being able to speak another language, have certain customs/habits, and being able to answer everytime there's an online post about "what's the word in your bahasa daerah?"... it made me felt oddly distant, out-of-touch, as if there's something was missing from me.

So, with my growing interest in Javanese mythology, I practically devoured every Javanese-related content for the next few months. Back then, I believed that if I engaged more with it long enough, I could actually "get closer to my roots" and proudly declare myself a full-fledged Javanese!

I learned a lot of things, but one that stuck with me are wayang lore, especially the punakawan, and weton (more on that later...). I made punakawan fanarts (which I used to post in this sub's chat threads) and I could recite their origin story many times. It really felt like I'm slowly becoming something I hoped to be, just like everyone else in my circle.

But eventually I just stopped, because of two things: money (seems like if you want to commit you have to buy certain stuff, which, realistically, is impossible for me) and the fact that I don't understand Javanese (in theory, anyone can self-teach themselves a language, but I find teaching myself bahasa daerah is impossible. It takes a decently experienced speaker to help you engage with the language).

So... I just gave up the idea of wanting to "get closer to my roots" entirely.

You know, I could take the easy route by implementing the basic ethics and etiquettes in everyday life. But by that logic, anyone who lives by Javanese philosophy can be considered a Javanese, which I don't think is the case, is it?

My parents always tell me, we're Javanese, and so on and so on, with all their reasons and excuses, but I can't help it but to think that they're lying to themselves. They know that they lived too much into the "city life" they bare no resemblance to the Javanese, I'm even sure not even them would claim them as a part of their community.

And since I don't feel like I'm Javanese, I actually thought of wanting to throw away my baju adat. Why would I wear something that tells me I belong to a certain community, when I'm technically not? Having to present myself in every opportunity of wearing baju adat to "be proud of your origins", while never living like one... isn't that just lying?

And I often think that the non-Javanese see my "obsessions" with culture make me no different from the shitty NU kids/kyai stans, and the Javanese would find my attempts embarassing.