WIBTA if I told my bf his bsf 🍇my friend

TW: rape/sexual assault

Hi everyone. I’ve never made a post like this before, and I created a new account so no one I know would find this or think I was talking about them. I promised my friend I wouldn’t tell anyone we know, so I’m posting anonymously. I obviously won’t use anyone’s real names.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than four years. We’re both in our 20s, and he’s a year younger than me. We met when we were young, and our relationship has grown a lot since then. We have our highs and lows, but we love each other very much.

We’re both studying and have talked about getting married once we’re finished. We’ve even talked about our future wedding and who we’d want as best man and maid of honor.

And that’s where my problem starts.

About 2–3 years ago, one of my friends told me she had been 🍇. She was at a party with some friends of my boyfriend, including my boyfriend himself. I know these people well because they were part of my friend group at one point.

My friend (I’ll call her Marian) needed to use the bathroom. The toilets were a few meters away from the party. My boyfriend later told me he had told the girls to let one of the guys know whenever they went to the bathroom so nobody would be alone. He was trying to look out for everyone. (He’s the sweetest.)

Unfortunately, Marian was extremely drunk and went alone.

My boyfriend told me that when she returned, she was bleeding heavily, almost like she had her period. He walked her to the train station and waited with her until her train arrived.

Later, Marian told me someone had taken advantage of her in those bathrooms.

I was shocked, disgusted and furious. I also have my own experience with something similar from childhood involving a family member. I don’t remember much, but my body does, and the rage I feel when I hear stories like this is indescribable.

I asked Marian if she knew who had done it. She said she didn’t. She was too drunk and thought it was probably some random stranger.

Recently, I was with Marian and some other friends when she brought it up again. One friend didn’t know, so Marian explained what had happened.

Then she dropped the bombshell: she actually knew who had done it.

At first, she didn’t want to tell us. She said he had apologized sincerely and had apparently been consumed by guilt over what he did. She didn’t want him to get into more trouble.

I honestly lost it.

How is apologizing and feeling guilty for years supposed to make this okay?

She told us this was her first sexual experience, and that after he was finished, he told her, “You have potential,” while touching her body.

I felt sick.

I asked whether it was someone I knew or someone from my boyfriend’s friend group.

She said yes.

So she told me who it was.

If I didn’t respect my boyfriend and the privacy of everyone involved, I would probably use his real name here. Instead, I’ll call him Harry.

Harry is one of my boyfriend’s best friends. They tell each other almost everything. My boyfriend sometimes spills the tea, but there are obviously things between them that remain private. I understand that because I also keep my friends’ secrets from him.

Here’s the problem: Marian specifically asked me not to tell my boyfriend.

Now, whenever my boyfriend and I talk about marriage, we talk about who we want beside us. He has told me he wants Harry to be his best man.

I cannot handle the idea of my boyfriend being completely unaware while having someone who did something like that standing next to him on one of the most important days of our lives.

I would accept Harry being at the wedding if my boyfriend knew the truth and ultimately decided that was what he wanted. I don’t want to control his friendships. But I don’t want Harry standing beside him while I’m the only one who knows what he did.

The wedding would probably be 6–7 years from now, so there’s no immediate rush. But I’m struggling with what to do.

I currently see three options:

1. I tell my boyfriend myself.

I would explain everything Marian told me and let him decide what he wants to do with that information.

2. I ask Marian to tell him within the next few years.

That gives her time to decide how and when she wants to tell him, while making sure he knows before we get married.

3. My preferred option: I tell Harry that I know.

I would tell him Marian trusted me with this information and that I know what he did. I’d then give him the next few years to tell my boyfriend himself — someone who loves and trusts him completely.

Obviously, I would talk to Marian before doing anything. I don’t want to take control of her story or expose something she trusted me with without considering her feelings.

This situation is incredibly difficult because I don’t want to hurt Marian, but I also don’t want my boyfriend to be blindsided or unknowingly have someone like this as his best man.

Marian is a rlly good friend of mine and my bf. She's almost like our child. Her relationship is not doing well so she always comes to us. She once had a breakdown and said she felt like we were her parents. (While sitting between us and cuddling her)

What would you do in my position?

Am I wrong for thinking my boyfriend deserves to know before choosing someone like this as his best man? And is giving Harry the opportunity to tell him himself the right approach, or would that still be taking the decision out of Marian’s hands?

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is.