My body is broken

Kind of a vent also. Not solely related to endo but idek what the cause of it all is & idk where to post.

I have been feeling SO sad lately, like I'm a failure and like my body is broken.

I've had endo since I was super young. I also have PMOS, vaginismus, vulvadynia, interstitial cystitis, and probably adeno. Just so much pelvic pain all through my life.

I also have hypermobile ehlers danlos and POTS. and daily migraines/headaches are plaguing me currently.

Surgery and Visanne got my endo under control in 2022 (thank god). Ketamine infusions every 3 years control the interstitial cystitis. Nothing but daily pelvic floor therapy helps with the vaginismus/vulvodynia. And the hEDS, POTS, and migraines are just...bad.

my mental health is in the gutter because I feel so stuck in life. because I thought I would have children by now. I want children so badly, to experience pregnancy. My husband and I are so beyond ready. we have money, a house, family support. Everything but my health.

I'm on so many medications that would be unsafe for pregnancy, and it would take ages to come off them all. I'm on 5 different meds that cause weight gain and make it impossible to lose it (and I'm not naturally thin).

But the most ridiculous, tragic, hilarious thing: I can't even have penetrative sex! It's too painful!

And to top it all off I'm literally a midwife. So you can imagine how fun that is.

I just. I don't even know if I'm fertile. I've got all of these issues to get through before I can even get to that stage. And the cards are stacked against me with my health conditions. So even if I get off my meds, get pelvic floor physio, etc, I might find out I'm infertile anyway.

I just feel so fucking broken.