Me (F22) having issues trusting my bf (M23) Is this fixable?

Hi Everybody!

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for a little over a year. When we first started dating, we were pretty open about sexual content and one time even looked at NSFW stuff we were into together. At the time I didn't really care because I thought, "I don't know if this relationship will last, so whatever.” Then I realized how extensive his porn use actually was and since the relationship grew serious this started itching me the wrong way.

It wasn't just an occasional Google search. He had a whole Reddit account dedicated to it, saved posts organized into categories, Instagram accounts/reels from NSFW artists, Twitter/X that was basically entirely 18+ content, private browsing tabs, etc.

At first I tried really hard to be the "chill girlfriend" and tell myself it didn't bother me. Eventually, though, I started comparing myself to all the women he was looking at and feeling horrible because I looked nothing like them. I'd never really struggled with this kind of insecurity before.

I even tried watching the same content he did because I thought maybe I could make myself more comfortable with it. I couldn't. It made me feel disgusted with myself, so I stopped.

Eventually I started trying to indirectly discourage him from watching it. At one point I even tried to sexually please him as much as possible because I stupidly thought that if I "gave him enough," maybe he wouldn't need to look at other women. Obviously that didn't work.

At some point he told me he was stopping because he didn't want to watch it as much. I was happy about that. Later, I jokingly told him I didn't believe he'd actually stopped, and he basically said, "Well... I never said I was quitting completely." I was disappointed, but I accepted that he was doing it for himself.

Eventually I worked up the courage to actually tell him how much it bothered me. I explained that I was already working on my insecurities with a therapist, but that regardless of my insecurities, the amount of NSFW content he consumed made me deeply uncomfortable. I also told him that if he wanted something sexual from me, he could just ask me for pictures or talk to me about it.

We had a very emotional conversation. I was almost physically sick trying to talk about it because I had been holding everything in for so long. He comforted me, told me he loved me, said he'd do anything for me, and ultimately promised that he would completely stop. I trusted him.

(This is important because I have always had major trust issues, and he knew that. I had pushed myself incredibly hard to trust him, and he was probably the person I'd trusted more than anyone.)

About 1–2 months later, we were at his house and he was showing me some drawings on his laptop. He went to the bathroom for quite a while, and I had this horrible gut feeling I'd been having for weeks. I know snooping was wrong, but I looked at his browser history.

I searched "Reddit" and immediately saw a recent search related to porn. I felt like my entire world collapsed.

I didn't confront him immediately because I needed time to process it. The next morning, I searched the exact thing I'd seen on my own phone because I wanted to understand what he'd been looking at.

Over the next few days, I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me the truth. I asked him directly if he'd continued watching it. I tried talking to him about hiding things from me and making it clear that he could tell me anything. I even tried to create a safe environment for him to confess. He denied it every single time.

At one point I mentioned NSFW content in conversation and he literally said something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, that stuff? You know I don't watch that.” That destroyed me.

Eventually, on a Saturday when we were supposed to go clubbing with friends, he picked me up and told me he needed to talk. He admitted that he had continued watching porn. He said he'd stopped for a while, then eventually went back to it multiple times. I was hurt, but I was still listening.

Then he said: "Honestly, if you hadn't found out, I wouldn't have told you.” That was the part that completely broke me, because it meant he wasn't planning on telling me. If I hadn't accidentally found the search history, he would've continued hiding it.

He apologized, asked if I was going to break up with him, promised he'd change and promised to be honest with me from then on.

I wanted to leave. Part of me still does sometimes. But I love him, so I decided to give him another chance.

That night I got extremely drunk, which I hadn't done in a long time because I was in recovery. I think I basically wanted the entire night to disappear. I ended up getting so bad that a family member had to pick me up from his house.

In the days afterward, we talked a lot about how he could rebuild my trust. He said he'd go to therapy and show me through his actions that he was changing.

It's now been around 2–3 months. He still hasn't gone to therapy. And this is where I'm stuck.

On the outside, we're basically back to normal. We have dates, we have sex, we laugh, we act like we used to.

But internally, I feel completely different. I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me, When he compliments me, part of me wonders if he actually means it, When he stays up late gaming, I wonder if he's actually watching porn.

Every little thing makes me question him.

Recently I snooped through his laptop again. I didn't find porn in the history, but instead of feeling relieved, my brain immediately went, "He probably deleted everything."

I also saw that he had searched for r/quitporn.

That SHOULD be a good sign, right? Maybe he's genuinely trying to stop and looking for help.

But my brain immediately went, "Maybe he watched porn, felt guilty afterward, and then searched for this because of the guilt."

And the fact that he searched it a few hours before we went on a date and had sex made me feel disgusting all over again.

There was nothing suspicious in his saved posts either, but then I remembered that he has another Reddit account that I don't think he knows I know about. And now part of me wants to investigate that too. That's what scares me.

I don't want to become someone who constantly checks his phone, laptop, Reddit accounts, browser history, etc. I don't want to spend my relationship trying to catch him doing something.

But I also don't know how I'm supposed to trust someone who has already shown me that they will lie to my face about something important to me.

I know I also handled things badly. Snooping was wrong. Testing him and giving him opportunities to confess instead of directly confronting him wasn't healthy either. I know that.

I think I just want to know if this is fixable? If theres any way to regain trust or If I should even?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have been in a similar situation, whether you were the person who lied or the person whose trust was broken. I'm genuinely open to being told if I'm approaching this completely wrong.