My ex(dumper) broke no contact a few days ago

I always dreamed this day would come. I day dreamed that they would reach out to me once they've healed, once they realize how good i was to them. That it wasn't all my fault.

However, it wasn't what i was expecting. They came at me and started hating me, started saying they felt used by me, i never loved them, that i was filling the void by being on dating apps. I cleared the air as much as i could, they seemed distraught. My first reaction was to make sure they were okay, take all the shots they gave me, and be okay with it.

It was so hard to hear all the hurtful things they said about me. Saying i'm the worst, they hate me, we will never get back together. But at the same time they said they miss me, they want me so badly.

Today, they said they would be willing to try again if the conditions were right. I told them I'll wait but not indefinitely if I don't know where we stand. They then ran to me, said I planted a seed in their head and now they're physically nauseous about it all, wishing it could happen but knowing it can't. I comforted them. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I wish they came back to me healed. Of course I thought about them, but i was doing just fine. I was dealing with the pain as well as i could. But it caught me off guard that they were suffering more than i was, i mean you wanted this!! Why are you stalking me!! Why do I still love you. Why do i want you back. Why can't we be together, why do you reminisce with me. I don't know.

The push and pull hurts way worse than the no contact. Please for the love of god continue no contact if you're considering breaking it. This is so painful. I refuse to let this kill the momentum i already had, but I'm eating less again. I'm staying in bed longer, and i'm their emotional sponge again without the partner label. Oh boy what a doosey. Wish me luck.