I 26F has unrequited romantic feeling towards my best friend, 26M. How do I navigate this?

I am this stupidly simple from the outside but very complicated from the inside and I have no idea what to do.

It's been like a year and a half since we met on reddit (well not technically). He lives in Europe and me, asia. We hit it off based on our common shared mental health problems. To be specific, social anxiety disorder. It was absolutely awesome. We just fit in together so well. At least I felt that way. We used to text all day, he got us talking on calls too (big deal for people with social anxiety), we watched a few animes together too. We were doing everything online best friends could do.

Not to mention this friendship came my way before entering some of the darkest times of my life and he has been with me through it all.

At first everything was good, he was my best friend and I think I was his good friend too. But then I could tell that I am slowly catching feelings. I knew it wasn't good for both of us. It cannot work in this lifetime. There is just no way. I tried to stop these feelings at the start but didn't take them very seriously either. Apart from that I knew he didn't feel the same way about me.

Eventually it grew and grew and grew and I just couldn't keep it to myself. I thought I need to get this out to atleast be rejected and that would be my closure. I did and he handled it very maturely too. Of course he politely rejected me but in a way that was idk was just still comfortable. He asked me if we could stay in contact still and I just wasn't gonna let this beautiful friendship go. But I am sure what I was thinking either.

Its been months since that happened.

And things have been rough to say the least. I have to be honest, it isn't rough from his side, he has been extremely patient with me. I am the problem. I was and still am extremely insecure, unstable, bipolar person. I have extreme people pleasing tendencies and I have anxious attachment style. I have this stupid all or nothing mindset in everything.

I am an extremely emotional person in showing love and care and unfortunately in showing my hurt and anger too.

Whereas, he is a very patient, mature and calm person. He is consistent and present. He is not very emotionally intense or reassuring through words.

And this combination just makes me go insane. So I spiral very badly at times and just go into this frenzy of attacking and accusing him that he doesn't care about me or friendship. I don't matter to him or I am just disposable etc etc etc. Idk how to explain it and I don't wanna go into details.

He just tries his best to calm me down and handle the situation. He denies them all like a thousand times but I just can't get myself to believe it sometimes.

Things are not always bad ofcourse. We still have good days but then it turns bad because of me solely. Because I cannot stop my spirals and I always involve him in it all and probably makes him go insane too.

But all of this is going nowhere. I am hurting him or his peace in this process. I am responsible for all of this. I have no idea why he even puts up with me anymore. Sometimes I wish that he wasn't so mature and just abandon me or ghost my stupid ass so he can be at peace but nope this guy is just irritatingly mature. I am gravely confused about what to do?

It's all me who has to decide. If I want to stay, he will happily be my friend and if I want to go, he will understand and let me just go.

Even this I take personally and attack him saying that I mean nothing to him and that's why he will let me go but I also know for a fact that he will do it for me.

I tried going away multiple times, in an attempt to keep distance and get over him but I just couldn't bear the weight of letting go of this beautiful friendship we have and came back crying and of course he accepted me back everytime.

I just have no clue as to what to do.

My goal is to somehow save this friendship but I am damaging it with this love I have for him and that I cannot have it back.

What is the solution? What are my options?

Do I just let him go and break this friendship so I can get over him and pay the price for it by losing my best friend 💔

Do I trust myself again for the 1000th time to work on myself to just then fail again?

Do I tell him to just block me, forcing me to be away and somehow navigate life without him?

Please help me. Ask me all the questions you need and PLEASE be kind. I know "It's me, hi, I am the problem, it's me 🎶"