How to commit and not burnout?

AuDHD

I really need help with this. I have had trouble committing to everything I've been in (school, work, etc.). After a period of time being normal, I will suddenly relapse into some kind of depressive episode where I can't get out of my room or do anything. I will block notifications and in extreme cases run away randomly where noone can reach me. This had happened even before primary school. Basically it went like this:

Primary school:

I skipped daily school assembly to sit in the toilet and read books. I once got chased out of class because I didn't do my homework (I don't think I had ever completed any homework), and since I realised noone ever felt needed to look for me, I ended skipping almost every class and sit at the library. No friends at all and I never felt like I needed one.

Secondary school:

Often skipped lunch (I hate queuing) to sit in class (noone is allowed in class outside of lecture and prep period). Skipped recreational period to sit in class. Skipped assembly to sit in the toilet. Skipped class to sit in the toilet. I just can't be around people. It's uncomfortable being perceived. This persisted until I realized there's something fundamentally wrong about me. I fell into depression for 2 years and my grade suffered hard because of it. I still performed average in my grade so I wasn't too disappointed about it. The worse thing is discovering how I'm entering adult world with no fucking discipline and I feel so damn incompetent at everything I do.

College 1:

I didn't want to study but since everyone was doing it, I went into engineering. I had a horrible time living in a cramped space with 3 other roommates that I slept in the attic/living room. I dropped out because I stopped attending class and tried to kill myself.

College 2:

I didn't know what I'm supposed to do in life. I had spent a year on my bed. I wasn't depressed I think? I just can't go out, can't talk properly, can't do anything properly. I drew and read all day. I felt sorry for my mom but trying to work was awful. So I applied for another college. This time I chose Design. It was a waste of money and now I'm in debt. I rarely attend class. I didn't learn anything though I still passed.

Now it's over, I still can't do shit. I went to interviews but I can't tolerate anything about most of the expected work environment. I don't want to talk to anyone. Why can't I wear tshirt? Can't we just email? Isn't text so much easier? I don't want to work and have anyone walk behind me. I know it's unreasonable. Everything about me is unreasonable but I just can't do it. I'm too sensitive. Even my therapist left me. How do I fucking commit to something when everything is so damn uncomfortable. I don't want to kill myself since my mom is my guarantor for my debt. I regretted it so much. She told me to go back to school to study nursing since I was a science student. I'm tempted to do that but I think becoming a nurse will be worse than a designer. I miss studying but I will inevitably have to earn money. How the fuck do I do this?

Sorry im writing this at 4 am trying not to lose it. I'd sent so many resume. I hate myself.