How can i even grieve my dad when he suicide baited me?

This will be a heavy one. It’s one of those nights, and I can’t stop crying but it makes me feel even worse when i remember that i’m crying over someone who commited when he used to say I should do the same when i was around 7. I barely talk about it because how will anyone manage to understand what it feels like to still care and still actively miss someone all the time who was horrible to you and horrible to your family but passed before he even had a chance?

I wont say my age, but i’m a mid-teen and lost him last year. The last thing he said to me was that he promised he was going to be better. But then he does that and I just can’t take it anymore. I used to feel sick to my stomach with grief every day but it had gotten better. It still comes back when i least expect it though. I feel so powerless when i’m sitting in a classroom and i remember him and get the urge to cry or having a bad day but i have no way to escape. Especially with the new classes setups and having a lot of new teachers who don’t know about what happened.

We used to be close when i was younger but it was on and off and he would try and win me over after months passed with gifts but all i really wanted was my dad with me. I don’t think i ever really got over the fact that my parents seperated mainly because of me.

This type of grieving always makes me wonder. How can I possibly manage it? I think if i was older and had more time, this wouldnt get to me so much but chances are there will be a time where i’ve outgrown him and i can’t handle that.