I am on the verge of disaster, in this world and the next.

I am on the verge of disaster, in this world and the next.

I was born into a poor environment at 22, I couldn't go to school. I used to thank God and say it's my fate. I tried to play soccer but failed because it requires money. I tried to learn English and look for any job, but I couldn't find anything. I opened a YouTube channel but it got closed. I tried to learn media buying but got scammed in a course, and I have a family depending on me with 4 daughters that need to get married. I'm the one preparing them. I literally can't breathe from the pressures and problems. I have a huge sexual repression, and the idea of marriage is impossible for me. At 22, I haven't seen a good day due to all the problems. I'm holding on to the hope that God will reward me in the afterlife. But then a thought came to me: what if there is no God? So I started to read and search, and the questions multiplied and doubts increased. I got into philosophy and the theories and research of atheists; their words got into my head. But my life is messed up from every angle, neither in this life nor the afterlife. I don't know how to worship God like I used to, nor do I know how to live, nor claim my rights like any human being—education, a job, and marriage. So what am I? I don't need solutions; I'm just venting because I know I'm closed off from everything.