Mood patterns and thinking habits

I don’t know exactly how to explain this or what it is. But I used to be religious and every couple of weeks or months I would have these epiphanies. I would read some religious quote or something and it was like a veil was lifted and I would always go man my past self was so prideful and I couldn’t believe thought that way. I would give myself like 1 minute of gratitude then go back to making myself feel poor again. Long story short I am not religious now but every once in a while I start to feel good and the pressure in my brain kind of goes away but I feel this pull to go back to church. It’s like I believe and feel different in this state idk how to explain it. Eventually I’ll become so shutdown after being in it and it forces me to be depressed because if I try to be happy again I am afraid that I’ll start fawning or be emotionally unaware of something. That’s the best I can explain it idk it’s ocd adhd trauma or my Lyme or a mix of everything . Anyone else relate