Abyss Conqueror

Sometimes my body can't even process how I'm feeling, and it's hard to express what I'm experiencing in words. Hopelessness is a common word to use in this particular situation. Perhaps that is what I'm experiencing if hopelessness were a physical symptom. What I experience is more than hopelessness. It's like being in a dark, locked room. The furniture inside the room keeps moving about the room with no sound. You can't see anything, so you only experience the changing arrangement of furniture when you bump into it as you navigate in the dark. Even when you find the door, you cannot escape, for the room is locked from the outside. What I feel is like getting into a car that has been sitting in the summer sun all day long. You close the door and turn on the air-conditioning, hoping to find relief, but there is none. The air that blows is hot enough that your face starts to tingle. The air around you is dry, heavy, and there is no way to escape. You know that your destination is ahead, so you keep driving. No matter how far you drive, you don't reach the destination in your heart. No, the word hopelessness doesn't even begin to explain what I'm feeling inside when I walk into a beckoning cave and the entrance collapses. Perhaps the word transparent could be added to properly describe what I feel. Like glass, you can touch and experience it; you know it's there, but you can only see right through it. The glass feels strong, but can easily break and shatter with one harmful word. My soul is like a withered flower whose beauty was once recognized; however, it no longer exists. I know that I am running to the sun that is warm and bright. Though I am the one who brings on the night. At times I yearn for a savior to deliver me from my own trapped mind. Other times I resent the idea of a savior who will take away the only emotion I have ever known. This may seem like a cry for help. I'd rather you see it as a declaration of triumph. I welcome the pain and desire the hurt. I do not wish for happiness that is too overwhelming. Let me live in peace, wretched world. Let me lie in the grave you dug long ago. I am the conqueror of the abyss.