high school loneliness

i have no friends. Best that i have is my classmates but they're only acquaintances. the only person i get moderately excited to see is one of my teachers. besides that i have nothing. i sit in the back of the cafeteria alone, sit in my classes alone, sit alone on the bus, you get the gist. I'm not one to judge but i think i can hold a normal conversation.

I'm apparently part of a band, but the two members have been practicing without me. one member was the only person i talked to. i used to call once a week, they'd answer about half the time. it's been two weeks since I've called, I haven't heard anything from them.

Both of them act like teenagers. Dudebro edgy type of people. The type of people to push you into the street and expect to be pushed back. I admit I joined in but it felt so wrong. I cringe now thinking about how much i swore to try to sound cool. Sometimes I would find myself distancing from them because they're so loud or childish. They're not bad people by any means, I just can't stand them. Its not who j am. all they talk about is irrelevant internet shit and make it their whole personalities. I wish i have galf the energy to care about pointless shit like they do. I couldn't care less if you use 4chan.

all of this is probably for a good reason. when i really think about it I'm a narcissist who's equally shallow. uninteresting, and has delusions on grandeur. I somehow demand attention but I don't give attention back. I look average and act average. I haven't watched anything in months because my attention span is fucked. I've fantasized of having gold statues marked with my name, just to feel somewhat important. I'm not really in a position to be shitting on anyone unfortunately. every time i get the urge to talk to someone i get the feeling that they're either too normal or too weird. everyone is too extreme is what I'm trying to ssy.

I'm sleepy, resentful, i feel my blood pumping through my body like cancer. I haven't gotten much sleep lately. I've heard that therapy is only half of the process, the other half is how willing you are to get better. A part of me knows that I don't wanna make progress, I don't know why but it's true. I thought i was getting better, i haven't felt this down in a long time. I can't talk to anyone about this, funny, no? I'm not very emotional or anything I'm just fucking tired