DAE: Tired of being avoidant & incapable of vulnerability

All my life I’ve struggled with being vulnerable and close with people. I have close friends who know me and I talk to them often but now as I started talking to guys and exploring I’ve realized that I’m incapable of letting people in. For example, I preferred the guy who literally didn’t give a fuck about me and wanted casual over a guy who genuinely liked me and listened to the things that I said.

I hate that I couldn’t reciprocate, but I could for the person who just wanted casual. I’m not sure why I’m like this but I’m tired of it. I can’t connect with people and I end up pushing good things away??

Does anyone relate?🫠