He asked for me back

I was expecting it. I was prepared for it. So I already had a lot of my thoughts written down.

I love who I thought he was. Truly. Now seeing his face, hearing his voice, it's like seeing the face of the love of my life plastered on an imposter and it hurts so damn much. I want to believe that I knew him. But I didn't really. I knew and loved the version of him he showed me.

He helped me heal from my trauma and distrust/fear of men. And now it's all reopened, all of it.

I've really tried my best. I stayed and tried my best to help him through adult content addiction once I found out. Then the trickle truths started. And after a while I realized I would only grow to hate him if we stayed in a relationship, as he wasn't being truthful with his 'relapses', so we broke up a few weeks ago and we're doing well as friends (or so I thought) with me still being his accountability partner for his adult content issues. It was a straight forward breakup, where we said maybe years into the future when we've lived more of our own lives and worked on ourselves to become the people we want to be, that it mightn't be an impossibility, but that this relationship now is over and won't be continuing.

Now I know he was actually cheating on me. Multiple times. Emotionally and physically. With events spanning over years. And something broke in me.

Since I replied to his attempt at reconciliation message with my lengthy essay of how his behaviour has affected me, and clarifying in black and white how I will never ever be in a romantic relationship with him in my lifetime (and I stand strong by my decisions), he has read it yet hasn't responded at all.

And this is where my frustration comes in. I know since reading the message he's gone off for a motorbike ride on his own, and even though I'm so fucking broken by this man who isn't even who I thought he was, I can't help but still feel that deep pit of worry that he'll get hurt/hurt himself in the state he's in.

I have no pity for him over my decision. But I still can't help but care for his safety, even though through his choices he didn't take measures to safeguard my health. And it's so frustrating. I won't soften my decision, but I'm angry at myself for still thinking of his safety when I know he'll be in a bad space mentally. Even though he's caused me pain worse than anything he has ever, nor is currently, experiencing.

Even after all of this. With the disgust and heartbreak and anger I feel. The fucking grief over losing someone who didn't exist in the first place. I still can't help but hope with all my heart that one day he'll be better, be healthy mentally and emotionally for himself and other people in his life so be doesn't hurt anyone else like this. And in some screwed up way, I hope that if he works on all of this, I hope that we can become friends again like we were before we started the relationship. Because we were great bloody friends. And it makes me feel like I'm weak to even consider that with someone who has done this to me.