i just found this sub and now think i am married to uBPD. i need advice for how to proceed

hi everyone. i‘m 33 and i have been with my partner for ~13 years (married almost 2 years). he had a formal ADHD diagnosis when he was younger. after spending many years working alongside and being close friends with many different people with ADHD (granted he has chosen to remain unmedicated since becoming an adult), i started suspecting there’s something more going on.

i understand a lot of overlap happens with symptoms of ADHD and several other conditions, so whenever i’ve expressed concern with his parents about there potentially being more going on, they said doctors had suspected other possible issues but no other formal diagnosis happened. he didn’t go back to any doctors again unless it was for regular yearly physicals after high school (and those have been seldom as well).

this has been 13 years of the most insane rollercoaster to the point where now every other day i am in a living hell. after reading through this sub for the last two hours, i see everything i‘be dealt with is a seemingly common experience. the explosive anger over anything and everything.. having to walk on eggshells and practically limit my speech so that i can’t say “the wrong thing..” being told the most heinous and awful things in every argument/explosion. it sounds like this is “splitting.”

he says several times per month he never should have married me/wants a divorce/would be so much happier without me but is stuck with me now/etc. over the tiniest, misconstrued things i’ve said (for example, neutrally mentioning we had talked about a plan the day before, which he forgot about or didn’t hear despite us having an entire conversation about it, and then he tried to convince me i only would remind him that we talked about it before because i ”want to belittle and talk down to” him, no matter how many times i try to explain that would never be my intent). he told me before we were married sometimes he was ”only with me so i won’t be homeless,” as i can’t afford to live on my own here, i can’t move away from my job, and my parents are estranged and did not raise me (dad is homeless, mom is extremely abusive and she does have BPD). ultimately separating will definitely leave me homeless in a small rural town that he moved us to, many hours from anyone else we’ve known.

it feels like it’s my fault that we are at this point because i always chose to stay and hope for the best. i should have stopped trying this hard but i have my own issues from fear of abandonment etc given my family history, and i really did have hope this will change. two weeks ago was the first time he physically hurt me. i had a busted lip i had to try hiding at work for 1.5 weeks. my front upper tooth has a crack in it. hurting me was the first time he INSTANTLY switched to apologetic mode during an angry outburst, because i guess physical injury that he can visibly see is a real problem.. but emotional pain doesn't exist or matter to him until many hours later during the apology/promise that it will change.

our finances are so deeply entwined and he has transferred much of his credit card debt onto cards in my name to try to help his own score (mine was excellent before these transfers happened, not anymore). i don’t know what to do, and part of me wishes i could suggest to him that maybe this is what he is dealing with (BPD) to give him a chance to try to do his own due diligence and contemplate solutions. the other part of me knows there is no hope for someone who both says they can control their ADHD through sheer will while also acknowledging they have no control over it. i’m also scared of how he will react if i found a way to leave. he has broken my belongings, doors, walls, etc. in the past during moments of anger. i fear him hurting me, himself, and/or destroying things around us.

i’m sorry this was really long. i would love any and all advice because i am beyond my breaking point and i am hopeless, and i don’t want it to get any worse than it already has.