BPD recovery in youth.. where do I start? Confused. 😬

(Okay this is my first time doing something like so It’s probably a mess but just bear with me. Please just read this anyways It might be a waste of time but please just waste your time on me.)

I’m 17 and I have BPD, and I feel like I’ve been really struggling to get through my days recently, and when I do it’s just messy. I used to be able to navigate school and when things got hard I was able to pretend until the weird mood shifts would go away but it’s starting to get really hard and I think my friends are starting to notice me being weird.

I feel like Im scaring them away and It’s scaring me shitless so I’ve just been pulling away on my own so I don’t linger and accidentally ruin there mental image of me. When I was a freshman I had this crush on this guy and instead of pushing him away I clung really hard and it literally just scared him away. I don’t want to push away but I fear losing people I care about more.

It’s also alienating, I feel like no one will ever understand me and to explain myself is pointless because there is so much to talk about but so little to talk about too like I could just stop whining. Im constantly fighting something no one else can see and trying to explain it makes me sound crazy and nobody likes crazy people. I just want to scream and cry AHHHHHH AHHHHHHH AAAAUUUUGHHHHHH!

On a serious note I want to start getting better, but I don’t really know how to when my mood and how I experience things can change so drastically throughout the day.

It’s hard for me to explain how bad I’m doing because I don’t feel bad all the time. I can feel completely overwhelmed and just hit a paralyzing self hatred depression anger episode, and then feel okay or even amazing later (like right now), which makes me feel like I’m not allowed to say that I’m struggling. I have doubt in my diagnoses too. My family tells me it’s just my teenage hormones and how I shouldn’t be labeled for it but like whatever it is I know Im struggling though because normal people don’t do the things I do. I just feel completely unseen and misunderstood it’s so exhausting and just saying this makes me feel like an idiot.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for, but I know I need help or like some advice and I don’t want to keep going like this. I just don't want to be invisible anymore I want to figure out how to manage my symptoms and actually get better. I just don’t know where to start like I have no Idea AT ALL. Does anyone have any advice?