I fear change

I’ve been thinking, I feel the need to change myself, and I could be better. This isn’t caused by the comments of others or due to outside motivation, it’s purely while I’m alone I feel I could do better. I was watching a video and it stated “if you could talk to one last person who would it be to have a final deep conversation?” And my mind went blank, while I have many people I consider my friends that I trust, I don’t feel like I would call any if I felt down. So rationally I should talk with more people to find the right ones, the issue is, anytime I think about trying something new, or meeting someone, I feel judged, while I know no one truly cares and in life the judgement from others shouldn’t dictate what you think, but it’s like a internal judgement, almost like I have this crowd always with me. I’ve been thinking about going on more hikes but I have this internal fear stopping me, it’s not of getting hurt or seeing wildlife, it’s judgement, even though I would be on my own. This makes me think, I say I want change, but if I’m internally so mixed about it, do I really want it? I want to know more people, I want to do more, but when it comes to it, I don’t take the leap. I fear when I’m older I will regret not doing enough, all I do is rot, online or in person I don’t feel like I have any true connections with anyone. The second I think of showing a new side of myself whether it’s being more emotional or a physical trait like my outfit, I feel a immediate sense of dread to the point I just forget all about it.