Deconstructing as a mom and wife is terrifying

Nobody knows my true thoughts - I’ve hinted at some very vague questions with my husband and it didn’t go down well. I think he saw it as a reflection of his own failure as the spiritual leader… like he could just try a bit harder to have more conversations with me and everything will be fine.

My whole life since birth has been built around Christianity and the importance of marriage as a picture of God’s love for the church. Even in rocky patches with my husband I firmly stuck to my values in this regard, keeping him happy, putting his needs first, e.g. giving loads of sex but never asking myself what I actually liked or wanted.

I still believe in a creator; but some things have happened that caused what some people would call a spiritual awakening.. I don’t know, this is all new to me.

I would have always said “Christian’s are not judgemental! The gospel is about grace!” But now that I’m on this side, I realise I will indeed be judged and people will probably try to fix me or at least have constructive arguments with me.

I’m suddenly realising that although I love my husband I just don’t know if it works when you believe different things? There are other niggly issues too. I’m also realising that literally everyone I know is a Christian. I don’t even really know how to make new friends as a busy, homemaking, homeschooling mom of 4. Do any of y’all just keep your beliefs private and pretend everything is fine?