I need help, but hindi ko na po talaga how ako mag ask for help.

I’ve been dealing with a lot mentally, and I feel like wala na talaga akong mapagsabihan. I’m a 2nd-year college student in the medical field. Yes, I do have friends that I could talk to, pero every time I try to open up to them, parang hindi ko nakukuha yung help na kailangan ko. Talking to them doesn’t ease what I’m feeling anymore. This time feels different talaga. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

A few years ago, I found out that I was adopted through my mom’s messages with her friend. I think that was when everything started going downhill for me. And honestly, that’s also one of the reasons why I couldn’t run to my friends and tell them everything. Aside from all the other problems I’m dealing with right now, I still can’t bring myself to tell them that I’m adopted, because not even my parents, or family relatives who knows about it knows na alam ko na. What added more to what I'm feeling is hearing my lola from my dad's side ask me face to face "Anak ka ba talaga ni (name ng mother ko)" with a bitchy tone (she is known for being narcissistic btw.) and I guess that added to the burden I am feeling right now.

I’ve been dealing with so much lately. My parents are in another country, and I live alone. I usually just stay at home and study. My mom is strict, so I’m not really allowed to go out or have fun that much because they’re worried about how dangerous the Philippines can be. I understand that they’re just worried about me, pero lately, I feel so suffocated. I feel neglected. I feel like I can’t breathe anymore, not just because of how strict they are, but with everything that has been making me feel for years now.

On top of everything, I’ve also been getting comments about my body. People tell me na mukha akong “tingting” dahil ang payat ko. What they don’t know is that I barely have time to cook or even eat properly because of my course and how far my university is from where I live. Ayaw din ng parents ko na mag-dorm ako. I’ve been skipping meals more often, and those comments about my body have only made me feel worse. Kasi I really am trying my best every single day.

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m afraid of myself.

I’ve been wanting to consult a psychiatrist because I’m scared of what I might do to myself. Pero natatakot akong humingi ng help sa parents ko because I know we already have so many financial burdens. My tuition is already expensive, and may monthly allowance pa ako. I know psychiatric consultations can be expensive, and my schedule is already packed. Tambak na tambak kami ng gawain because of the suspensions, and mas lalo akong natatambakan because I can’t seem to move or do anything.

Even our house has become a mess. It’s honestly disgusting, pero hindi ko talaga kayang linisin. I don’t want to socialize anymore. I skip meals. I can’t even find the courage or energy to do my pending schoolwork. Parang kahit yung mga basic things, ang hirap na gawin.

Ngayon, I only have around 2k left to spend until around September 26–27, kasi usually doon ko pa natatanggap yung allowance ko. I’m trying my best to survive without adding more financial burden to my family.

Pero honestly, a part of me is screaming for help. Gusto ko na talagang humingi ng tulong sa isang adult. Gusto ko ng someone who can tell me what to do because I genuinely don’t think I can handle this alone anymore. At the same time, ayokong gumastos ng malaki, ayokong maging dagdag na burden sa parents ko, and I’m scared of telling them how bad things have actually gotten.

I’m sorry for ranting here. Hindi ko na po talaga alam ang gagawin ko.

I am afraid of myself, and I think I really need help.