First time feeling afraid of this disorder

I've lived with disordered eating for over 30 years. There were times when the trauma in my life pushed me so hard that I didn't have a concept of getting so bad my body might fail. My mind was just too occupied with the trauma to even notice.

It's been about 22 years since the last time is got this serious and it's because the trauma of my life has overwhelmed me. I won't go into details but needless to say it's extreme and ongoing and my mind can't cope. Something shifted in me recently and what was mainly legitimate pain induced food avoidance (I have many food intolerances) and OCD contamination, has recently escalated into weight/shape and further restriction concerns. I feel a sense of control I haven't felt for a very long time. Paradoxically, though, it's really out of control. But I think you understand what I'm saying.

My body is showing it after only a short time. It's 3am here and I awoke... frightened for my future with this disorder (of which I also have CPTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, chronic pain illnesses triggered by food and an abusive spouse and parent to contend with on top of it).

I'm not doing well.

I'm having panic attacks because everything feels like a threat. Including food. Including my own body. I'm scared this has become self harm. I'm scared I'll leave my dog alone with that man and she'll be afraid without me. I'm afraid I'll lose the battle with these mental illnesses. I'm just so scared.