I will do it soon

I thought I can still try and that there is hope. That all I need is one more day.

But it keeps getting worse

Why why why

Fucking hate everything why me

It's already unbearable, can't find a job, can't move out and scared to do anything. I'll be 20 soon and I can't take this anymore. I don't want to see my birthday. It's already hard, not too recent my parent was physical with me, my years of depression from as long I can remember and it's getting worse. Painful memories of violence and my previous attempts in my early teens, that my brain blocked out. I still can't cope with it too, and also can't cope with my parents being abusers

I try finding hope and that even breathing and staying should be enough, but I'm just so pained. So pained. Can't handle it anymore and keeps getting worse. I can't do this anymore. It's bad enough that my older brother was dismissive with my depression too and that I had no reason to be sad

Now today even though I didn't do anything, I was taking away my food as my little brother took it from me so I took it from him and said just wait we can share and didn't do anything, my older brother came shortly after and said that I abused him, that I abused my 8 yo brother. That I physically hit him.

I'm already so pained and feel like a horrible person. And I probably am. Maybe I deserve all this pain and emotional, verbal, and physical abuse I had bc I'm horrible and worthless.

The last thing I want is to be an abuser. I really didn't do anything, idk anymore. I would never hurt my brother. This was the last straw for me.

My numbness and dissociation can't help me anymore too. I'm as not numb or dissociated anymore in the last awful 2 months or so.

I hope I die soon.

1-2 days from now, I'll slit my wrists I hope I'll actually die this time.