disappointed and confused

First time on this subreddit. I was sh free since 2024 and today ended that. Im 22 years old and ive been doing this for 10 years. I thought I was past this part of my life, but apparently not.

The odd part is that i didnt even have a breakdown, crying, and such (like i usually would before sh). This time I just felt completely empty. No tears, no heavy breathing, or panic attack. Just started feeling apathetic to life. I was dancing and listening to music 30minutes prior then it hit me that today is my late mothers birthday and my whole mood changed. My mother passed away 5 years ago so I just dont get it. I almost feel ashamed like I didn't have a good enough reason to do something that I promised myself I would never do again. 2 years ended because of a rash decision.

Idk I guess im just wondering if anyone related to this especially at my age. I feel too old to be dealing with this still and it makes me ashamed. Adult life is very isolating.