the struggle of making friends and connecting with people after self-isolating for ages

i need to make friends for the sake of my mental health, but after losing everyone and humiliating myself during a bad episode two years ago (sudden end of a long-term relationship was the trigger), it's been so hard. i'm over the situation now, but still dealing with the aftermath of it in the form of self-loathing, isolation, and depression.

i went from someone quiet and composed, with mostly mild symptoms, to extremely self-destructive afterwards.

i developed an addiction to alcohol and did a lot of unhinged, reckless things in a shitty attempt to cope. it all made me feel worse about myself, and i carry a lot of shame and self-doubt. i purposely began to avoid people, even though i was deeply lonely. i didn't feel like a healthy person to know or be around, and i was worried i would inevitably ruin all my relationships.

i'm now working on getting my life back on track and my mental health straightened out. i've stabilized myself quite a bit, and i just started taking antidepressants (they're giving me terrible side effects, but i'm powering through until i see improvement... please pray for me). i'm also going back to school online. big wins, even if they feel small right now.

i think the only other thing that would help, is finding meaningful friendships again. i remember how much joy and relief it brought me in the past. i loved being able to turn off my brain and feel normal, unburdened, and like my regular, goofy old self just enjoying life with others.

however, right now i really struggle with connecting with people now in a way i didn't before... i have no problem socializing, but the moment it flips from acquaintances to friendship, i feel overwhelmed, anxious, and i want to sabotage it by disappearing. i feel a constant desire to run away anytime someone attempts to get close to me. there's also a level of misplaced distrust and the classic mentality of, "you can't abandon me if i run away first"... all of it is completely counterintuitive to my wants, an unhealthy holdover from trauma, and just exhausting.

some of it might be a self-esteem issue i can work on, since the more i trust and value myself, the less i feel inadequate and undeserving of people's time.

in any case, i would appreciate any good advice on coping with these feelings as well.

thank you for reading my big venting session (remember to be good to yourself and others, i'm rooting for you all).