Need to vent and I’m just so alone. Long story I’m sorry.

I’ve been lazy smart my whole life I was in the 95-99th percentile while stoned for my state exams. From 15-27 I lived something that if you looked at me now you would never know. In those years I was not a person with great morals. I can’t list them all but let’s say I can tell the difference just by the high between mdma and methylone and the same with lsd, lsa and loy. I hilariously enough have a clean record.

I grew up in the pill mill era of south flordia. I sold Molly to buy roxicodone basically pharmacy grade heroin and I would smoke it. I was a poly drug user it did not matter crack one day, Xanax the next, mushrooms, fentanyl lollipops the original oxycodone. If I smoked too much heroin or Roxy I would hit some crack to bring me back up.

I was the florida man I was almost arrested for alligator molestation idk why they call it that. My friends and I were tripping on mushrooms in the Everglades and 2 of them decided that feeding marshmallows to them was a bright idea. I’ve had the 12th floor of Miami art institutes dorms trashed on mushrooms I brought a half pound and that in itself was a movie. I’m half tempted to write a book called The Diary of a Florida man.

I overdosed at 27 and yes I know the irony of the age. I was getting high with my best friend since I was 7. He tossed out the bag did cpr for 20 minutes they put an IV in my nose if I remember right two shots of narcan. I remember realizing I was dying, and I could feel my mind fading. I was happy I found peace knowing I would not be a burden to my mom anymore. My last thought was man if I could do it all again. It really is like in the movies I could only see white my vision came back from the center out. My ears were ringing I could hear voices but it took a second to understand words.

The cops were cool they said it’s an illness and they would not be charging me. They left me to the paramedics who told me how lucky I am.

When I left that hospital I walked 7 miles home slipped in my room and just bawled. I cried for hours trying to process it. I mad at myself for relapsing I was 3 months clean and for some reason my old principal’s scolding echoed in my ears. “Some people would kill for what you have naturally.”

I composed myself and just decided I was going to make my 2nd life count for something. I found a job at a cellphone store nearby and even with the massive gap on my resume I was persistent and got the manager role. I walked to work or my mom dropped me off for almost 2 years.

One day I got the mail and it said I was prequalified for a car and I laughed but decided f it and asked my mom to drop me off fully expecting to pick me back up. I saved 2k they got me done and it was a reasonable payment on a 2 year old Kia manual with no features. I called her Bertha she was not pretty but she got the job done. A stark contrast to my Miami hot boy bmw with a red interior.

At this point I’ve been sober enough and I decided to get another job and once i saved more, I did it again. I found a sales job that was lucrative but only if you worked 70 hour weeks. The money came in and the first true bonus check hit and it was more money than my mom and I made in a month. She was freaking out but I went full throttle realizing this was it here was my one shot to unfuck everything.

I now fully locked in woke up on my day off and was possessed I wanted to find a house now I was compelled. I drove aimlessly and ran into a row of new built townhomes. Talked to the guy and my score was 601 and my income he said it could work but I should get a cosigner. I went home grabbed my mom and told her to just come look. The same day she consigned and I put down a deposit. It was now a race against time I did not have the down payment I had 4 months.

The pandemic happened and I locked in harder. I was so scared to ruin the new faith mom had in me. She was begging me to sleep. Bell to bell maybe 3 days off a month. Down to the wire my last bonus was enough. I was so exhausted the minute the stuff was in the house I fell asleep for almost 2 days.

Mom moved out and every Mother’s Day it’s gold or an apple product. She did not have to do what she did I should be dead or homeless.
I paid her back the 25k of debt she built up trying to save her son.

It’s weird I should be happy, imposter syndrome? I went from 400 credit to 800, from poverty to this new raise bringing me close to 150k a year.

I’ve had a hard time dating I’ve had relationships but one thing is always a constant. They were all drunks my tastes needed to change so I’ve been single for a bit. Reflecting realizing its not just my what I want in a partner, but who I want to be as a partner too. It’s just been work and home for two years and I feel empty.

You know the loudest noise I hear is the silence when I open my door. I am truly lonely wondering why I am I working so hard. I want to be a dad so bad I want to be the dad I never had. I could have with my ex she knew and wanted to but showing up drunk to view houses. It would have been selfish to have kids just for my wants.

I’m getting close to 40 and I’m coming to terms with the fact I may die alone. My history is messy and I get that it’s not optimal.

The other managers say I’m lucky I can do anything I want. They get to go home to loving wives and kids. Maybe this is my punishment for all my misdeeds.

I am not suicidal but man what’s the point the apps are demoralizing. I just type my heart out to a match to be lost in her flooded inbox.

If you made it this far thank you typing this out made me feel a little better.