Husband found me writing my last notes

Title says it all. I can’t help but to feel upset about it. I had it all planned out. I have struggled with many mental illnesses for the past 10 years (diagnosed but really my whole life), but this is the first time I had a solid plan and the guts to follow through.

Multiple notes to all of my people, he walked in while I was writing my last one, to him. He was angry, of course. I feel like that’s a pretty reasonable reaction. He later apologized for his outburst. But I can’t help but wish he didn’t walk in on me witting my last note.

I came in late after a party we were at and knew he was still awake but we have had a rough weekend so I wasn’t expecting him to wait up for me to go to bed. This obviously was not the case, and he expected me to be in bed asleep. When I wasn’t, he came into the office as I was writing my last note.

Turns out, it’s hard to follow through with a plan when you live with someone who actually pays attention. I love him and everyone in my life so dearly. It hurts to feel like this. I wish he just went to bed without me. But alas, I’ve been but on a watch. He’s asleep on the couch next to me. I didn’t want to be near him because: 1. He was pissed at me which I didn’t feel was fair and 2. FUCK MAN!!!! Can we please just let me fucking do it??

I’m so tired of just going to bed and doing the same shit everyday. I’m tired of going to bed and telling myself the same shit of, “not today, maybe tomorrow.” I don’t do it because I know I have so many people that care for me. I know I will hurt them. That’s why all of my letters (four before my husband walked in) were just different iterations of “I’m sorry.” Because tonight was it.

But wtf do I do from here? Do I admit myself somewhere? Do I just pull another go to bed and wait until tomorrow? Today just sucks. Like many, many other days.